Mams Carter - Hanky Panky

Mams Carter flexes her boogie woogie muscles in this new song Hanky Panky. LIke most of her recordings, her son Amos Carter plays the double bass. Amos records for us here at Big And Tall Records, but has not had a recording for awhile. He's probably been busy working at Delmar Gentry's farm taking care of horses, and playing gigs with his own boogie-woogie band. Mother and son play together quite a bit, although she doesn't play many public gigs as she's not fond of public performance. She likes smaller, more intimate gatherings, and she's developed a fondness for recording.

There's a great big difference.
Between needing and wanting a man .
At this point in my life
I'd sure want one, if I can.
Once in a while, spend together,
Just being there to hang out
Companionship is what I'm after
Don't want to just lay about
 
Got some things I just can't abide
Smokin' makes the breath too stinky!
Without bein' fussy, just nice and clean
Just in case I want some hanky panky!
 
Don't want a man hangin' on me
Every hour of the day!
Don't want somebody that's so needy
That worships every word that I say!
Don't want Sir Walter Raleigh
Spreading out no damn drape
Over a sloppy mud puddle
Don't want no man that wears a cape!
 
Got some things I just can't abide
If they're mean in heart and spirit
If they love animals, a good sign
That sounds like you, let's hear it!
 
Sounds like I'm particular
Guess what...I sure am!
Don't want to waste any time
With a mopin',surly man
Everyone has their sad times
Not what I'm talkin' about
But some men are just crab assed
Ain't what I'm all about!
 
Got some things I just can't abide
A man that doesn't respect,
A woman as a human being
That doesn't deserve neglect!
 
So there ya go, my strict no-nos
Don't mind a bit of a paunch
But if you've got a big beer gut
I sure would give you a launch
Health as we age gets touchy,
We all surely have our ills.
I got my share, but can still get around
AS long as I take all my pills!
 
Got some things I just can't abide
Smokin' makes the breath too stinky!
Without bein' fussy, just nice and clean
Just in case...
I want some...
 Hanky panky! 

The Unknown Singer - Meester Keemmel!

The third installment of a song by The Unknown Singer. Supposed to be The First Lady singing and belly-aching about Jimmy Kimmel's pot shots at her and The President. Of course we know it isn't, but then again we don't know who it is either! It's always delivered the same way - a plain brown envelope with a music CD in it with the name 'Melania' scrawled on it with lipstick! We've got a few mysteries here at Big And Tall Records, but there's always a name and address for an agent included somewhere so they can get paid! We could probably deep dive, spend the money and have someone find out for sure who it is, but as long as the song isn't subversive and it's good, we'll publish it! The Trumps won't like it, but that's the way it is! 

You think you so funny... BUT YOU NOT!...
You make lots money... lie 'bout da Donald and me...
So we take different thing to do!
We take you as dependent on income taxes!..
Oh...I forgets....we don’t pay any!
 
Going to keep on, Mister Kimmel! You going to pay piper
Don’t you tell America da Donald wear extra big diaper!
Don’t tell America I sit on the toilet on phone!
Keep goin' Mister Kimmel, and you fortune is gone!
 
You not truth tell public, you make up lies!
You keep make lots money, so tell you what we do!..
We get cabinet together, they kiss ass...
We call attorney big, then we gonna sue you!..
 
Going to keep on, Mister Kimmel! You give me hissy fits!
Don’t you tell America to see first ladies tits!
Don’t  tell America all got to do is google!
See my tits on interweb so that day can oogle!
 
Jimmy Kimmel,...Enough all ready, when you going to stop!
Don’t push you luck or we going to have to get tough!
We get leather collar of dog with big spikes
Then you only be able to say RUFF!
 
 Don’t you even think to mention Jeffrey Epstein!
Better think twice, before you get  so mean!
I was once a Slovakian gangster's moll!
They come in the night, take off both your balls!
 
Da Donald once tried to push me down  stairs
Time for Big Stanislav... my friend...to make him aware
Any thing happen to me, Slovak Mafia take action
And send da Donald to hospital in traction! (or worse!)
 
Going to keep on, Mister Kimmel! You going to pay piper
Don’t you tell America da Donald wear extra big diaper!
Don’t tell America I sit on the toilet on phone!
Keep goin' Mister Kimmel, and you fortune is gone!
 
Mister Disney, take him off air!
You not think it’s so fair!
Mister Disney, you make it your goal,
Kimmel is American big asshole!

Anybody want pictures of big tits after surgery?
Eh?
I sell twenty dollars each, 2 for thirty five!
Send money, we take Visa or Mastercard,
No personal checks, to White House,
In care of Big Tits!
Don’t worry
Post Office work for us
We get it!
 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun with Un Grupo de Mexicali - Tijuaner, Mexico!

Once we here at Big And Tall Records aren't surprised by what we get from our artists, we get a song like this one! We are still in the dark about who this Chuck Wagon Calhoun character is, but his songs are a hoot. Now, he's teamed up with our Mariachi artists Un Grupo de Mexicali in this bit of typical Calhoun tall tale telling. And that's all we know. Un Grupo gave us no clue, and of course Calhoun's lips are sealed about who he is. Un Grupo obviously struck up a good relationship with Calhoun as their part in this song is up to their usually high standards. But we don't know if Chuck Wagon went to Mexico, as Un Grupo have vowed to stay out of the U.S. due to the current political climate, or if Un Grupo were in the states unbeknownst. In any case, the song is up to both the artists standards!

HOLA!
This here's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Got a story to tell ye 'bout when I had to
Leave the great state of California
In a....well....right big hurry....
And what happened when I went south to
TIJUANER, MEXICO!
YEE HAW! YA'LL!
 
I rode like hell and made it,
Way down south of the border
And escape some situations
That were a right big disorder
Rode  in the town of Tijuaner and met
Me some real live bandeeters...
And bought them tequiler in the canteener,
That's where I seen the senioriter...
 
She were dancin',  playin' them clackity clack bits!
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a clackin', with the hombres yakkin'
Dress raisin', showin' her under paints gave me fits!
 
One a them thar bandeeters, wearin' a bandelaro,
All raggedly dressed, an' wearin' a great big sombrero...
Noticed me makin' googly eyes and said to me  "Hey Meester!"
Jew like what jew see,  pay me, jew can have my seester!"...
 
She kept dancin' , clickin' them clackity clack bits
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a winkin'  all the hombres drinkin'...
Dress raised  higher , drivin' me  out ma wits!
 
I fer shore fancied her, so I asked him how much it cost?
He said, "I like you, only 22 pesos and you  be boss!
Her name is Sally, take her to  back alley
Best young woman you ever come across!
 
She kept on dancin' ,  I gave him the money
He brought her back , she were callin' me honey
Her brother yelled and swore, she led me out the door
And the others began to laugh...what were so funny?
 
Went out to the  alley and she started kissin' on me
She were firm and young, and really a might pretty!
I was unawares, but then started seein' stars!
And then they was nothing else left to see...
 
Don't know how long it t'wer, I laid out in the sand
Face next to a cow turd, cactus near to  hand
Ma head full of bumps, ma skin covered in lumps
Staggered to ma feet, couldn't hardly stand
 
Finally some federales came ridin' out to help me,
Were 'bout daid, pain ma haid, eyes all red,
Helped me on a horse, gave me food and water
Tol' me "No vuelvas Americano PENDEJO!"
 
Took me a long time to git healed from that.
I vowed I'd swear off women!
Damn, all ma troubles seem to happen
When I git hooked up with one of 'em!
And I really did. ..Swear off 'em...
FER ' BOUT 2 DAYS!
HAHAHA!

The Unknown Singer - Yimmy! Yimmy!

 Again, we've got a scoop! Another music CD showed up mysteriously at our office here at Big And Tall Records with the name 'Melania' scrawled on it, this time in red lipstick! At this point, we're just going with it. Whoever is making these recordings obviously wants to stay anonymous, and since this song is as newsworthy as the first one sent, we'll release this one as well, under the name of The Unknown Singer as well! And yes, we recognize the hat!

The song is responding to a comedy routine done by...Jimmy Kimmel of course! The routine had Jimmy at a prop podium as if he was speaking at the White House Correspondents dinner, and Jimmy made fun of Trump and Melania both. Melania actually did send a tweet to X in response: 

Kimmel’s hateful and violent rhetoric is intended to divide our country. His monologue about my family isn’t comedy- his words are corrosive and deepens the political sickness within America.

People like Kimmel shouldn’t have the opportunity to enter our homes each evening to…

— First Lady Melania Trump (@FLOTUS) April 27, 2026

President Trump also tweeted his complaints. Both the President and First Lady's comments in the past have not been the most complimentary about many people, including Jimmy Kimmel. We may not agree with all of Kimmel's comedy, but we support his right to be provocative and even into the realm of nasty for the sake of freedom of speech. If the Trumps don't like what he says, they also have the right of free speech to complain. To try and use their power to silence KImmel or coerce ABC to do their bidding is something they do not and should not have the right to do. Public figures have been subject to ridicule since there's been public figures, and as long as the opinions expressed aren't considered threats to life or violence, they're free game. The Trumps are notoriously thin-skinned, and by now they surely know Kimmel's comedic style and don't need to watch. Just turn it off! And really, if yer gonna dish it out, ya better be able to take it. President, First Lady, or not!  

Jimmy Kimmel!... Jimmy Kimmel!
Why you mean to me!
I tell the Donald right away to call FCC
Your violent hateful rhetoric is not comedy
Political sickness like you really should not be!
 
I sit on gold throne, I got a bad belly ache
Is you fault! I gone try to take a dump!
I tired listen to you and all your hate
Why you treat so bad the Trump?
 
I tweet to say you just big JERK!
You like battery acid, just so corrosive!
No come to house, broadcast your hate
Tell you truth! Wear heart on sleeve!
 
Jimmy Kimmel!... Jimmy Kimmel!
Why you mean to me!
I tell the Donald right away to call FCC
Your violent hateful rhetoric is not comedy
Political sickness like you really should not be!
 
They take you off air once, why you get back on?
People write letters, I don’t give a sheet!
They’re opinion don’t matter, only Donald and me
You need to hit the bricks with feet!
 
ABC need to open eyes, sprout a pair already!
You coward! Hide behind their skirt!
Network running you,  they make money
That the only think that matter? With ruination you flirt!
 
Jimmy Kimmel!... Jimmy Kimmel! Why you mean to me!
I tell the Donald right away to call FCC
Your violent hateful rhetoric is not comedy
Political sickness like you really should not be!
 
Me and the Donald treat all with respect
Why so hard for you to do? YOU NOT FUNNY
You say I wait to become a widow!
No! Longer he lives more I make money!
 
Jimmy Kimmel!... Jimmy Kimmel! Why you mean to me!
I tell the Donald right away to call FCC
Your violent hateful rhetoric is not comedy
Political sickness like you really should not be!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Escape From Dodge City

 Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears to have a song connecting him with many legendary towns of the old west. There may be nuggets of facts in the songs, but they're few and far between. Chuck goes out of his way with this one about Dodge City. Yes, Dodge City was a cow town of the old west, and is still in existence today. But Miss Kitty? Marshall Matt Dillon? Pure fiction taken from the radio and television shows. Gunsmoke was on television for 20 seasons from 1955-1975, and was consistently ranked high in viewership. It's been off network TV for over 50 years, but can still be seen on streaming services all over the world. So while Chuck is a teller of tall tales, this one may resonate even more with listeners! 

And he seems to be a lady's man, after a fashion. Despite his demeanor, his tales usually end up with  him having to save his hide by leaving town, usually over a woman! So carry on, Chuck Wagon! Which old west town is next?

Howdy!
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Fixin’ to sang ya’ll a song ‘bout a
Town in Kansas a long time past…
AND HOW I POKED A
FAMOUS LAWMAN'S GAL!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
 
I worked at a Livery stable and the job were shitty!
In a town out west by the name of Dodge City
Spent leisure time at the Long Branch Saloon
Playin' games to try and win dubloons
 
I used to play cord games like 5 cord draw
Git a gal when the urge was in my craw
A gal worked there  I heerd was a dandy
Whenever I saw her I done felt right handy
 
A good looker with a mouth right pretty
She done tol’ me her name was Miss Kitty
She appealed to me  so then I inquired
Asked her flat out if’n her ass were for hire!
 
 “Marshall Matt Dillon be my man”, she said
“Best head out, afore he shoots ya dead!
He don’t cotton to nobody messin’ with me!
Jest keep it up pardner, and you’ll see!”
 
I sure didn’t wanna incur her wrath
I needed a shave, haircut, and a bath!
A twenty dollar gold piece help hide my stink
Slipped it down her cleavage to help her think
 
Shivered when the coin stopped ‘tween her big tits
She said, “You know, at second glance I admit
Yer a rugged man that I could go for
Jest so you know... I ain’t no whore!
 
Rented a room on the third floor
Poked like crazy, she asked fer more
Were a sprightly gal, right sportin’ lass
With great big titties, and shapely ass!
 
We lay there restin’ when we was done
When the door was kicked open by her hon
Drawed his gun, and said  ‘twere arrestin us
Kitty said  “MATT DON'T RAISE A FUSS!
 
This feller showed me a good time paid fer my ass!
Whole twenty dollars in gold, I couldn’t pass!
Yer Marshall wages don’t amount to shit!
Take off yer clothes , and join us for a bit!”
 
Now I ain't above joinin' two folks do it
But due to circumstance, might not live through it
So as Kitty's naked ass jiggled
Into my clothes I quickly wiggled
 
Jumped out  the winder  didn’t want trouble!
Got my horse and left town on the double!
And when I were safe on my horses back
I had half a notion to go on back...
 
And have it out with Marshall Dillon!
Cain’t respect no dude that would tolerate
 His gal poke an ugly ol’ skunk turd like me,
Even fer twenty bucks!
I’d a busted that door down with guns a blazin’,
 I'd tell that sum bitch this, and I'd tell that sum bitch that!
THEN I'D PISTOL WHUP HIS ASS RIGHT THERE!"

Mams Carter - Be Who You Are

 

Mams Carter may be known for her great boogie woogie piano chops, but she's making a name for herself with her renditions of the blues as well. The gentle nature of this song is underlined by the soft strings backing her up and the solo guitar, as well as her calm piano playing. She is proving to be quite a versatile artist and has been busy writing more songs to perform. We are honored here at Big And Tall Records to be the company to promote and release her music! 

Taken me a long time to figure it all out
They say hardest person to know is your self
That adage is true, at least in my case
But now it is time to take stock of myself
 
Can take a long time to discover
Just who it is that you are
That with or without a lover
Be your own person, be who you are
 
Always thought that I wasn't complete
Unless I was in a relationship
But after some mistakes and misfires
I'm tired of the self-inflicted guilt trip
 
Always took a long time to recover
After a love just turned sour
What was I to do, by myself
I'd pine away, from hour to hour
 
Can take a long time to discover
Just who it is that you are
That with or without a lover
Be your own person, be who you are

Zbig Szafranski with The Nude Polka Kings - Czernina!

Zbig Szafranski

He's back! Zbig Szafranski has come back to theU.S. after a visit to his homeland of Poland.  We thought that he wouldn't come back by the sound of things last time we heard a song from him. He sounded and looked terrible; overweight, forgetful, gruff and nasty personality. He had been associated with our polka group, The Nude Polka Kings, and their spokesperson told us  that they thought he'd gone back to Poland to die. But after the first of the year he came back. Ends up Poland was not to his liking, too much had changed. He looked up some relatives when there, and one of them was a rich businessman in Warsaw who took a liking to him and got him into a private hospital for a checkup. After a few weeks there, and put on a diet, he came out a new man! Medication to help with  his failing heart, and a general makeover of the rest of his health issues. The spokesman told us his attitude changed as well! Not nearly as grumpy and cantankerous, looks downright healthy for a man in his late 90's! And you can hear the difference in his voice, compared to this song he first recorded for us:

 

His new song is in  tribute to his Polish Grandmother who used to make his favorite dish for him: Czernina - Duck Blood Soup! Yes, soup made from dried fruit, vinegar, onions, garlic, pepper, salt, duck broth...and duck blood! A classic, traditional peasant soup from Poland that used all of the duck 'except the beak'. For peasants all over the world, nothing could be wasted. We hear at Big And Tall Records have never heard of it, let alone tasted it, but  they say it is a sweet and sour soup that if you can forget that one ingredient, tastes very good and is still popular in Poland today.

I went to Polska,
I tell you something I ate, classic dish!
Is Czernina!  Cernina! Say it! Cernina
I going to tell how to make it
BUT YOU GOING TO EAT IT ANYWAY!
 
Take onions, cut them fine
Dice dry fruit, do what I speak
You need a kacza...A DUCK! ...
A live duck!
Don't be sissy pants, use it all but beak!
 
 Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Onion, pepper and salt use too
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki! Is good for you!
 
Hold duck over bowl...CUT HIS THROAT!...
Is tradition! Don’t get sick!
Drain blood in bowl, then pluck and gut!
Simmer dead kaczki in plenty water deep
Strip off the meat, let it steep!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Vinegar then you going to use
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki!  You don’t refuse!
 
Put vinegar in bowl with blood
Don't want  blood clot get hard
Stir it up, let it sit, go back to kaczki
Filter broth, duck cut up , use DUCK LARD!
 
Put everything together, let it simmer
Not too hot, and get pierogies ready!
What?  You don’t know pierogies?  Shame on you!
Is good Polska food, learn already!
Don’t be stupid Polack!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Ready to eat!
Duck blood! Duck blood! Tender sweet meat!
Simmered in broth, blood, but not beak
EAT IT GODDAMMIT! DON’T GET SICK!
 
Is good for you! So very tasty too!
Was cooked by my babcia (Grandma)
When I was little boy
Is good memory, this soup!
Niech Bóg błogosławi duszę mojej babci…
(May God bless my Grandmother’s soul)
 
Duck blood soup! Duck blood soup! Do what I say
Czernina! Czernina! Use it today!
Onion, fruit, pepper and salt use too
Czernina! Czernina! Is good for you!