Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Escape From Dodge City

 Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears to have a song connecting him with many legendary towns of the old west. There may be nuggets of facts in the songs, but they're few and far between. Chuck goes out of his way with this one about Dodge City. Yes, Dodge City was a cow town of the old west, and is still in existence today. But Miss Kitty? Marshall Matt Dillon? Pure fiction taken from the radio and television shows. Gunsmoke was on television for 20 seasons from 1955-1975, and was consistently ranked high in viewership. It's been off network TV for over 50 years, but can still be seen on streaming services all over the world. So while Chuck is a teller of tall tales, this one may resonate even more with listeners! 

And he seems to be a lady's man, after a fashion. Despite his demeanor, his tales usually end up with  him having to save his hide by leaving town, usually over a woman! So carry on, Chuck Wagon! Which old west town is next?

Howdy!
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Fixin’ to sang ya’ll a song ‘bout a
Town in Kansas a long time past…
AND HOW I POKED A
FAMOUS LAWMAN'S GAL!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
 
I worked at a Livery stable and the job were shitty!
In a town out west by the name of Dodge City
Spent leisure time at the Long Branch Saloon
Playin' games to try and win dubloons
 
I used to play cord games like 5 cord draw
Git a gal when the urge was in my craw
A gal worked there  I heerd was a dandy
Whenever I saw her I done felt right handy
 
A good looker with a mouth right pretty
She done tol’ me her name was Miss Kitty
She appealed to me  so then I inquired
Asked her flat out if’n her ass were for hire!
 
 “Marshall Matt Dillon be my man”, she said
“Best head out, afore he shoots ya dead!
He don’t cotton to nobody messin’ with me!
Jest keep it up pardner, and you’ll see!”
 
I sure didn’t wanna incur her wrath
I needed a shave, haircut, and a bath!
A twenty dollar gold piece help hide my stink
Slipped it down her cleavage to help her think
 
Shivered when the coin stopped ‘tween her big tits
She said, “You know, at second glance I admit
Yer a rugged man that I could go for
Jest so you know... I ain’t no whore!
 
Rented a room on the third floor
Poked like crazy, she asked fer more
Were a sprightly gal, right sportin’ lass
With great big titties, and shapely ass!
 
We lay there restin’ when we was done
When the door was kicked open by her hon
Drawed his gun, and said  ‘twere arrestin us
Kitty said  “MATT DON'T RAISE A FUSS!
 
This feller showed me a good time paid fer my ass!
Whole twenty dollars in gold, I couldn’t pass!
Yer Marshall wages don’t amount to shit!
Take off yer clothes , and join us for a bit!”
 
Now I ain't above joinin' two folks do it
But due to circumstance, might not live through it
So as Kitty's naked ass jiggled
Into my clothes I quickly wiggled
 
Jumped out  the winder  didn’t want trouble!
Got my horse and left town on the double!
And when I were safe on my horses back
I had half a notion to go on back...
 
And have it out with Marshall Dillon!
Cain’t respect no dude that would tolerate
 His gal poke an ugly ol’ skunk turd like me,
Even fer twenty bucks!
I’d a busted that door down with guns a blazin’,
 I'd tell that sum bitch this, and I'd tell that sum bitch that!
THEN I'D PISTOL WHUP HIS ASS RIGHT THERE!"

Mams Carter - Be Who You Are

 

Mams Carter may be known for her great boogie woogie piano chops, but she's making a name for herself with her renditions of the blues as well. The gentle nature of this song is underlined by the soft strings backing her up and the solo guitar, as well as her calm piano playing. She is proving to be quite a versatile artist and has been busy writing more songs to perform. We are honored here at Big And Tall Records to be the company to promote and release her music! 

Taken me a long time to figure it all out
They say hardest person to know is your self
That adage is true, at least in my case
But now it is time to take stock of myself
 
Can take a long time to discover
Just who it is that you are
That with or without a lover
Be your own person, be who you are
 
Always thought that I wasn't complete
Unless I was in a relationship
But after some mistakes and misfires
I'm tired of the self-inflicted guilt trip
 
Always took a long time to recover
After a love just turned sour
What was I to do, by myself
I'd pine away, from hour to hour
 
Can take a long time to discover
Just who it is that you are
That with or without a lover
Be your own person, be who you are

Zbig Szafranski with The Nude Polka Kings - Czernina!

Zbig Szafranski

He's back! Zbig Szafranski has come back to theU.S. after a visit to his homeland of Poland.  We thought that he wouldn't come back by the sound of things last time we heard a song from him. He sounded and looked terrible; overweight, forgetful, gruff and nasty personality. He had been associated with our polka group, The Nude Polka Kings, and their spokesperson told us  that they thought he'd gone back to Poland to die. But after the first of the year he came back. Ends up Poland was not to his liking, too much had changed. He looked up some relatives when there, and one of them was a rich businessman in Warsaw who took a liking to him and got him into a private hospital for a checkup. After a few weeks there, and put on a diet, he came out a new man! Medication to help with  his failing heart, and a general makeover of the rest of his health issues. The spokesman told us his attitude changed as well! Not nearly as grumpy and cantankerous, looks downright healthy for a man in his late 90's! And you can hear the difference in his voice, compared to this song he first recorded for us:

 

His new song is in  tribute to his Polish Grandmother who used to make his favorite dish for him: Czernina - Duck Blood Soup! Yes, soup made from dried fruit, vinegar, onions, garlic, pepper, salt, duck broth...and duck blood! A classic, traditional peasant soup from Poland that used all of the duck 'except the beak'. For peasants all over the world, nothing could be wasted. We hear at Big And Tall Records have never heard of it, let alone tasted it, but  they say it is a sweet and sour soup that if you can forget that one ingredient, tastes very good and is still popular in Poland today.

I went to Polska,
I tell you something I ate, classic dish!
Is Czernina!  Cernina! Say it! Cernina
I going to tell how to make it
BUT YOU GOING TO EAT IT ANYWAY!
 
Take onions, cut them fine
Dice dry fruit, do what I speak
You need a kacza...A DUCK! ...
A live duck!
Don't be sissy pants, use it all but beak!
 
 Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Onion, pepper and salt use too
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki! Is good for you!
 
Hold duck over bowl...CUT HIS THROAT!...
Is tradition! Don’t get sick!
Drain blood in bowl, then pluck and gut!
Simmer dead kaczki in plenty water deep
Strip off the meat, let it steep!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Vinegar then you going to use
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki!  You don’t refuse!
 
Put vinegar in bowl with blood
Don't want  blood clot get hard
Stir it up, let it sit, go back to kaczki
Filter broth, duck cut up , use DUCK LARD!
 
Put everything together, let it simmer
Not too hot, and get pierogies ready!
What?  You don’t know pierogies?  Shame on you!
Is good Polska food, learn already!
Don’t be stupid Polack!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Ready to eat!
Duck blood! Duck blood! Tender sweet meat!
Simmered in broth, blood, but not beak
EAT IT GODDAMMIT! DON’T GET SICK!
 
Is good for you! So very tasty too!
Was cooked by my babcia (Grandma)
When I was little boy
Is good memory, this soup!
Niech Bóg błogosławi duszę mojej babci…
(May God bless my Grandmother’s soul)
 
Duck blood soup! Duck blood soup! Do what I say
Czernina! Czernina! Use it today!
Onion, fruit, pepper and salt use too
Czernina! Czernina! Is good for you! 

Forgotten Bob - The Smegma Rock

 The first song that Forgotten Bob sent us here at Big And Tall Records was The Turd In The Punchbowl, a commentary on President Trump. After various other songs, on  this his tenth recording for us he's come full circle and adds to his commentary in no uncertain terms. He pulls no punches in his criticism, and he does it to his usual rock-a-billy beat. But he goes further and criticizes the entire MAGA movement, and equates it to...well...the title of the song tells that tale! If there's one thing we know about Forgotten Bob, you never know what his next offering will be. But it's seldom boring! 

I'm wonderin', what in the  hell,
'Bout all the people still supportin' him
As long as that mindset is to tell,
Chances of improvement are mighty slim...
 
They call themselves the name of futility,
An acronym for they're beliefs, it's MAGA
But in the way of politics, it really should be
What's under the foreskin of a dick...SMEGMA!
 
Since last year when I stated my case,
Laid out my thoughts of Donald Trump
Said he was a nasty turd in our punchbowl,
Gotten worse as he sits on his rump!
 
Murdered civilians, broken up families,
Shifted more money to his rich bastard kind
There is no end to his causing calamities,
And to top it all off, he's losing his mind
 
They call themselves the name of futility,
An acronym for they're beliefs, it's MAGA
But in the way of politics, it really should be
What's under the foreskin of a dick...SMEGMA!
 
His followers worship his wrinkled little cock
And think that'll "affect them all but me"
So busy dancing to the smegma rock
That they really don't want to try and see!
 
Is there any hope that we will survive?
Each day it's getting worse and worse
Will there be a change to keep us alive
Or are we stuck in the gear of reverse?
 
They call themselves the name of futility,
An acronym for they're beliefs, it's MAGA
But in the way of politics, it really should be
What's under the foreskin of a dick...SMEGMA!
 
We're in a goddam war he said wouldn't happen,
His defenders don't give a shit that he lied,
It's true every time his lips start to flappin',
He could not tell the truth if he tried!
 
Ain't true that nothin' can possibly be done!
If Republicans work with Democrats to pass
Working together, fights can be won
But the Elephant has turned into a cowering ass!
 
King Donald, much more radiant than Christ
His followers pray to him and offer thanks
While everything gets so damned overpriced
And the economy continues to tank
 
Trump probably won't ever be held accountable,
 He'll die first. But every one of his opportunistic
Smegma helpers need to be held accountable for
 Their part in the endless cooperation in the corruption
 Of THE TURD IN THE PUNCHBOWL!
With a special nod to his butt boy, toy soldier
WHISKEY PETE! And let the truth contained in
The Epstein files condemn his memory as a
FUCKER OF CHILDREN...FOREVER!

The Unknown Singer - I Don't Know Epstein!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - In Flagrante Delicto

Chuck Wagon Calhoun seems to be making the rounds of towns (real or made up!) in the old west. Hislatest is based in Ogallala, Nebraska where he was, of all things, a barber! Ogallala is known for its past as a terminal for the Great Northern Railroad and the cattle drives from Texas to the railroad for transport to eastern stockyards. As with other cow towns, the town had its share of drinking, whoring, and general rowdiness as cowpokes who had been on the trail driving cattle relaxed when they reached their destination.

Ogallala is known for one of the largest aquifers in the world, the Ogallala Aquifer that supplies drinking water to a vast majority of inhabitants within its area, which comprises 8 states in The Great Plains. This aquifer has also been used for irrigation as well.

The title of  this song is Latin - In Flagrante Delicto - which roughly means getting caught doing an illegal and/or immoral act. Knowing Chuck Wagons' past, perhaps the term applies to many things that have happened to him! We here at Big And Tall Records can't wait to see where Chuck Wagon ends up next, and what trouble he gets into!

Howdy!
My name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun
I got a story to tell ya ‘bout when
I  were a barber in the town of…
Ogallala  NEBRASKA!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
Were down on my luck, hitched a ride to wherever
Ended up in Ogallala, couldn't find nothin’ better
Got a job in a fancy barbershop, sweepin’ up the floor
‘Twernt long, I got bored, wanted somethin’ more!
 
Learned how to cut hair from the barber that I worked
Trimmin’ hair, shavin’ chins, jumped right in didn’t shirk
Got to know all the gents in town, learned jest what they like
Earned extry money in tips which is what I shore like!
 
I even had a bag like a doctor, it were shore funny
I’d go to people’s houses to make me extry money
The men they’d relax in a dinin’ room chair
While I trimmed ‘em all up, even their nose hair!
 
 Learned how to cut hair, my boss taught me it all
Even give the young’uns a haircut while they sat and bawled
Had a standin’ order at the big shot Mayor’s house
To give him the works, with perfume give him a good douse!
 
One day I were summoned to the mayor’s place
Wasn’t the usual day but I went to save face
I were met at the door by his purty young wife
Yeah, for shore, best lookin’ woman  ever seen in my life!
 
She said, “Greetin’s and thank ye fer comin’ today
Mayor ain’t here, but I still hope that you can stay
Noticed you from afar, I need your steady hand
To trim away some hair from my promised land…”
 
She raised up her skirts and petticoats,
She weren't wearin' no under pants,
And ooh.....dang... I saw what she meant.
Ain’t never seen no hairier private parts
On a woman, and ain’t never trimmed one before!
But I got out my scissors, and started in…
 
Ya’ll can figger out what when on to transpire
The mayor’s wife was with passionate afire
I done my level best to start quenchin’ the flame
When the mayor walked in... and her face turned to shame!
 
Caught with my pants off in flagrante delicto
The mayor turned as red jest like ol’ Mephisto
And I dodged him as I sashayed out holdin’ my pants
While his wife laid on the table in a dead out trance!
 
Once again, cuz of a dang woman,
I had to make myself scarce!
'Tweren't no doubt in my mind the
Mayor would a shot my ass dead!
Ran like hell to the livery clutchin' my pants in my hand,
 Got my horse and rode out bare assed!
And the only regret I got ‘bout the whole dang affair…
I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO FINISH WHAT I STARTED! 

Mams Carter - Not Lookin' For Love Anymore

 Mams Carter began her recording career as the pianist in her son Amos Carter's (a Big and Tall Records artist too!) boogie woogie band. She continues to record original songs, the last few being blues related. In this song, Not Lookin' For Love Anymore she returns to boogie woogie. She accompanies her contralto voice with her boogie woogie piano riffs along with brass and guitar in the background. As usual, when he's available her son Amos supports the bass line with his double bass

Ever lose somethin',
Look all around
No matter where you look,
It just can't be found
You try to keep focused,
Try really hard
But you don't find it 'til
You let down your guard
 
I'm not lookin' for love anymore
Don't need to, just don't
Like that thing you lost that you found
Love will find me, or it won't!
 
I've looked too damn
Hard for love anyway
Trust me, lookin' that
Hard just don't pay!
You can't force it
I've learned that so well
Fell flat on my face,
Too many times, to tell!
 
I'm not lookin' for love anymore
Don't need to, just don't
Like that thing you lost that you found
Love will find me, or it won't!
 
And what if it never finds me again?
What in hell will I say then?
Will I regret all of my inaction
Be to my heart a real infraction?
 
I'm not lookin' for love anymore
Don't need to, just don't
Like that thing you lost that you found
Love will find me, or it won't!
 
And what if it never finds me again?
What in hell will I say then?
Will I regret all of my inaction
Be to my heart a real infraction?
 
I'm not lookin' for love anymore
Don't need to, just don't
Like that thing you lost that you found
Love will find me, or it won't