The Nude Polka Kings - The Icicle Polka

 The Nude Polka Kings have been busy playing gigs all over the country as well as their own Polka Hall in Chicago, IL, which they say is the largest nudist polka hall in the country. We'd go one step further, and hazard that it is the only nude polka hall in the country. 

People might not think about polka being popular in Kentucky, but with over a half million people of German ancestry, plus a smattering of Polish and Czech ancestry, there is a market for Polka music in the state, mostly near the bigger cities. The Kings play there every winter, and at one of their gigs they happen  to meet one of The Burgoo Boys band members, the lead singer John Henry Flort. After the gig, the band usually hangs around drinking beer and shooting the breeze with their fans, and that's when John Henry introduced himself. 

Ends up John Henry is a big, big fan of Polka music, and after sitting up bull breezing with the band, they decided to make a recording of him singing lead, the recording being showcased here. John Henry really gets the band going, and the result is a fun polka, including John Henry's favorite 'Dad' joke! 

The band wanted to make a confession: The picture used for the title card of naked to the waist men DOES NOT included members of the band. It was a professional picture taken using male models. There is no member of the band that looks remotely like any of the men in the picture, as most of the guys are at least middle aged or older, some with balding heads, most with pot bellies! 

When it’s in the wintertime, with all the wintery storms
Snow piles on the shingles, on the eaves icicles form
They are pointy and so shiny, drip in the sun and sway
Be careful when they fall, that you’re not in the way!
 
The icicle polka, watch them drop so fast
The icicle polka, watch them fall right past
When the sun loosens them from their perch up high
If you look up when they fall, it could take out your eye!
 
When I was a young lad, I heard of an Inuit
During the winter night he threw a hissy fit
He longed to see the sunshine, but couldn't get along
Because the nights up there, are 6 months long!
 
The icicle polka, his happiness suppressed
The icicle polka, he grew so depressed
Stabbed himself with an icicle, went completely nuts
Police ruled it suicide, death by cold cuts!
 
When I was a young lad, we were very poor
We lived very frugally, without any grandeur
We had to make do, when on the ice we'd cavort
Tie icicles on our shoes, and skate for winter sport!
 
The icicle polka, it worked so very well
The icicle polka, we gathered them when they fell
Only trouble was, when they got too very hot
They'd melt into a puddle, right on the spot!
 
We're The Nude Polka Kings, that is very true
Don't play outside in winter, what is wrong with you?
If we would do that, a bad fate to us would be fall
We'd get too cold all over, AND GET BLUE BALLS!
 
The icicle polka, play indoors 'til spring
The icicle polka, don't wanna freeze off our thing
We'll look out the window, at icicles so clear
Play another polka, and have another beer!

Buzzy Carlyle - Drinkin' My Lunch, Dinner Too

Buzzy Carlyle had a minor setback in his health for a while that caused his doctors to restrict the number of visitors he was receiving. He had been tutoring young blues men and women who were flocking to him once they knew about him. He'd dropped out of most people's memories as he continued in his downward spiral that would have surely not ended well. As it was he suffered a major heart attack and had to undergo emergency surgery. Thanks to his cardic surgeon who is a blues fan, he's gotten assistance and been placed in a care facility. Setbacks are to be expected due to his age and the way he's abused himself with drugs, but he follows doctor's orders and wants to stay around as long as he can. He's back to his old self again, receiving a limited number of vistors so he has time to rest.His latest recording relates a story from his days on the road. Buzzy tells more about it:

This song is from a time when I was on the road playin' any ol' dive or juke joint that would pay me, usually in a bottle or two of wine or hard liquor. No doubt I'm an alcoholic, and this was when I did most of my drinkin', before I started doin' other drugs. Hell, I remember goin' a long time between eatin', like the song says, I drank most my meals. Never forgot sittin' on that bench in the park drinkin' and that old dog comin' up to me, and how he looked at me while I pet him once i fed him. That look told me a lot about  myself I didn't like and couldn't handle. I had just left my wife and some kids, feelin' real sorry for myself. And I drank even more. It's a wonder I'm still around, all the dumb ass stuff I done! Only thing I had to my name was the clothes on my back and an old resonator guitar I bought at a hock shop, and I even lost that somewhere along the line!

Buzzy plays a resonator guitar that was gifted to him by the cardiac surgery team that performed emergency surgery on him, just one of the many honors he's received from fans and friends during his recovery. He's in fine voice, and his fingers still can play that guitar! 

Drinkin’ my lunch, dinner too
Drinkin’ my breakfast as well
Ain’t gonna eat nothin’ no how
Gonna jest drink, what the hell!
 
When I was on the road years past
I sat on a bench with my jug
Big ol’ dog just a big lug
Came up and sat, was steadfast
 
They say a dog is man’s best friend
Ain’t never owned me no dog
All I had were a couple hogs
Raised for pork chops, weren’t no friend
 
Drinkin’ my lunch, dinner too
Drinkin’ my breakfast as well
Ain’t gonna eat nothin no how
Gonna jest drink, what the hell!
 
 Ol’ dog put his chin on my knee
He sure looked hungry and sad
Dug in my coat pocket to see
What kind of food that I had
 
 Found half an old sandwich
Small bag of tater chips too
He ate the sandwich clear through
And the chips without a hitch
 
Drinkin’ my lunch, dinner too
Drinkin’ my breakfast as well
Ain’t gonna eat it anyway
Gonna give to him, what the hell!
 
He clum up on the bench real slow
He laid right next to my leg
He were happy, sure didn’t beg
Looked up at me and seemed to know
 
I was jest good for a handout
Wasn’t no future with me
He could read me like a book
Didn’t have to sort it out
 
Drinkin’ my lunch, dinner too
Drinkin’ my breakfast as well
Ain’t gonna eat it anyway
Done gave it to him, what the hell!
 
That ol’ dog stayed a while longer
I pet him as I took a drink
Then he left fast as he had came
Leavin’ me all alone to drink
 
That ol’ dog was right! 

Hambone Riley - My Willie Won't Go Down!

Hambone Riley's experiences trying to cope with his slowing sexual abilities due to age is told in his song My Willie Won't Go Down! It happens to many men, and not just with advanced age. There's all kinds of treatments for ED now, with the medication Viagra being a popular treatment. But it does have drawbacks, the main one being what Hambone narrates; priapism, an extended erection. First thoughts by a lot of men is that it sounds like a lot of fun! But the truth of the matter is that extended erections can be very painful, and lead to deforming of the penis. Viagra can cause this in some cases, unfortunately Hambone was one of them. First round of treatments can be cold packs and pseudoephedrine taken. If this doesn't work, hospital care is needed with a nerve block tried. Other drugs can also be tried, but if no results happen then aspiration with a needle of the blood trapped in the penis is done, the treatment Hambone evidently had to succumb to. (OUCH!) The last resort is surgery where a shunt may be put in. Four hours is the maximum time to let it go if it happens. After that the longer time that is waited, the more risk of permanent damage. It can even lead to gangrene  (yikes!) of the penis,  and in that case it's goodbye Little Willie (as Hambone calls his member).

Like many things that happen in life, while they happen it's not funny. After the event can be a different matter. Hambone told us on the phone his whole story, pretty much as he relates it in his song, and his tale was punctuated by many breaks as he laughed about it all. But he also emphasized how much it HURT! 

I made a trip to the doctor
For a reason I won't disguise
Got a whole lotta trouble
Gettin' Li'l Willie to rise

Doc went all over my health chart
Looking for all of my ills
He said I'm a good candidate
For the little blue Viagra pills

Oh, gimme the prescription, Doc!

I'll go fill it right away!
Try this wonder medicine out
At the end of today!

Me and my baby went to bed
I tol' her all about the pill
She smiled, told me to go take it
And see if it fills the bill!

Took it a while to kick in
We was lovin' away, kissin'
Then she reached down grabbed a handfull
Of what she tol' me she been missin'!

Hot damn! Like a young man again!
It ain't been that pumped up in years!
We kept on humpin' and bumpin'
Tryin' to make it a new career!

We finally collapsed on the bed
We was both totally wore out!
Didn't get no funny feelin'
My Willie was still big and stout!

Goddam! My Willie won't go down!
What in the hell's goin' on?
Cain't fuck no mo, my back is so
I'm tired, breathless and drawn!

I followed what Doc done tol' me
If this kind a thing should happen
Took some other pills, iced it down
Started to hurt, got misshapen

After 4 hours, really in pain
Willie 's head like a big mushroom
Wife tol' me get my clothes on
Goin' to the 'Mergency room.

My pants crotch stuck out like a tent
I was so goddamed embarrassed
Nurse came in to assess my case
Tol' me to strip and get bare assed

Don't wanna know what they did!
Trust me, a hard dick ain't worth it!
Li'l Willie's still achin' and so
'Scription wish I wouldn't have filled it!

No! Not that! Not that big needle!
What in hell are ya doin' with it?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Goddam! My Willie won't go down!
What in the hell's goin' on?
Cain't fuck no mo, my back is so
I'm tired, breathless and drawn! 

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - The Hillbilly Beast Of Kentuck

Must be a trend for songs about legends. We at Big And Tall Records just released a song by Chuck Wagon Calhoun about The Phantom Train No. 5, and now the Burgoo Boys and Uncle June's Boys send along a song about The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck! As legends go, there can be a particle of truth in them, and in the case of Chuck Wagon, it'd be more like a molecule! While there are legends floating around about phantom or ghost trains, the details he relates in his song are not reliable. Let's just say he's a known spinner of tall tales strictly out of his imagination.  The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band is more of an unknown example. Of course they are more than capable of telling a 'whopper', but we did Googlefy their legend, and there is some info about it found here. The song is somewhat tongue in cheek, with the band playing the appropriate low sounds with a tuba and trombone, with Uncle June's distinctive voice telling the tale!

Daniel Boone

The beast has also been called the Bigfoot of Kentucky, and is comparable in many ways. Many folk lores from different cultures and countries have their own folklore of a giant creature that lives in the forest. The Hillbilly Beast traces its origin (as much as it can be traced) back to pre-colonial times with Native American tribes. These myths were passed down to colonists, and were influenced by their own cultures.  Daniel Boone, the early settler, explorer and statesman in Kentucky (who is a legendary figure himself) allegedly shot one to death when it charged his camp. The creature was immediately (and conveniently) buried so as not to cause alarm and fear with others in the camp. This story spread and was retold, and as humans like to one-up each other when telling a story, grew to mythical proportions. 

In the Eastern part of Kentuck
The foothills of Appalachia
Lives a horror in the forest
Out in the boondocks of nature
 
Some say it is just a myth
A legend of the hill folk
 I ain't seen one, oh no never
For some the myth ain't no joke!
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
It weighs over 800 pound
Daniel Boone himself kilt one!
It's a horror passed down the line
From Grampaw, to father, to son!
 
Uses its hairy fist to bang on trees
Can smell it a mile away!
 I ain't seen one, oh no never
Thems seen it, won't go away
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
Ya'll can believe that if ya want
But for me that just can't be
Go sit at night in the forest
No tellin' what yer gonna see
 
Could be a local hill folk
Dressed in a hairy suit to fit
Or maybe an ol' black bear
Fixin' to take a big shit!
 
But it makes for a good yarn
'Round a campfire fur the young'uns
To pass on all the folklore
To yer daughters and yer sons...
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
Whether ya'll call it the Hillbilly Beast,
Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman,
Or Bigfoot, every culture's got a tale that
 amounts to the same thing...
A figmentation of the imagination!
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high 

Un Grupo de Mexicali - Primer Vals con Papá

The fiesta de quinceañera is a celebration in Latin American countries on the 15th birthday of a female child. It is a passage of her life from childhood to womanhood, and like many Latin American traditions has its roots in the Catholic Church as well as ancient rites of passage of the indigenous people in the area. There also the influence of the Spanish court from the era when Spain held many of the Latin American and South American countries. As the Spanish court held lavish balls, so did the tradition follow that the honoree 15 year olds would wear formal gowns. It is similar to the debutante balls that were popular in the 18th century in Europe and mainly England. Debutante balls still occur in England, and in the U.S. especially the South. 

In earlier times, it signaled the rite of girls to act and dress like a woman. The celebrations were used as an opportunity for girls to meet men as they were considered of marrying age. Modern times have changed the celebration from that, as 15 no longer is considered of marrying age in most areas.

The fiesta de quinceañera is especially prevalent in Mexico and in the U.S. that have hispanic populations. They can be quite lavish, with the young woman dressed in a long formal gown and adorned with lots of jewelry and makeup. The festivities usually begin in the church with a mass of thanksgiving, and followed by a reception where all the guests are seated and the quinceañera makes a grand entrance. A toast is made by the parents or godparents, then the girl is introduced by her father. The first dance, usually a waltz, is danced by the father and the girl. Traditionally girls under 15 were not allowed to dance, so this also symbolizes her coming of age, and in some festivals the dance after the first waltz is quite elaborate and choreographed.

Un Grupo de Mexicali was hired to play and commissioned to compose an original waltz for the first dance for a family in Mexicali, Mexico. They joined forces with an orchestra, and sent a recording to us in a version that includes verses in English for their non-Spanish speaking fans in the U.S.!

Primer vals con papá vida mía

Giro lento no quiero soltar

Se me escapa una lágrima tibia

Mientras creces al compás

Hoy el tiempo se inclina a tus pasos

Y yo vuelvo contigo a empezar

Primer vals con papá luz del alma

Nunca voy a dejarte de amar

First waltz with Papa my darling

A slow turn I don't want to let go

A warm tear escapes me

As to the rhythm you grow

Today time bows to your steps

And I begin again with you

First waltz with Papa light of my soul

I will never stop loving you

 

Hoy te miro y ya no eres niña

Lazo rosa brillo en tu mirar

Tus tacones tiemblan un poquito

Y mi mano te viene a guiar

 

Tu vestido se abre como un sueño

Ríes suave me quieres probar

"¿Bailas conmigo?" me dices traviesa

Y mi mundo se vuelve tu altar

 

Today I look at you, no longer a child

Pink ribbon and a sparkle about you

Your heels tremble just a little

And my hand comes to guide you

 

Your dress flows like a dream

You laugh softly you want to test me

"Will you dance with me?"you ask mischievously

And my world becomes just you and me

 

Primer vals con papá vida mía

Giro lento no quiero soltar

Se me escapa una lágrima tibia

Mientras creces al compás

Hoy el tiempo se inclina a tus pasos

Y yo vuelvo contigo a empezar

Primer vals con papá luz del alma

Nunca voy a dejarte de amar

 

First waltz with Papa my darling

A slow turn I don't want to let go

A warm tear escapes me

As to the rhythm you grow

Today time bows to your steps

And I begin again with you

First waltz with Papa light of my soul

I will never stop loving you

 

Si algún día te duele la vida

Búscame en este viejo cantar

En tu quince yo juro en silencio

Siempre ser tu lugar

 

If life ever hurts you someday

Look for me in this old song

On your fifteenth birthday, I silently swear

Always be  for you and stay strong

 

Primer vals con papá vida mía

Giro lento no quiero soltar

Se me escapa una lágrima tibia

Mientras creces al compás

Hoy el tiempo se inclina a tus pasos

Y yo vuelvo contigo a empezar

Primer vals con papá luz del alma

Nunca voy a dejarte de amar

 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - The Phantom Train Number 5

Chuck Wagon Calhoun's latest song is his telling of a tale about a train that is doomed to repeat an historical wreck that took the lives of all its passengers, who are all trapped souls on the train. They suffer through their fate every night because of the sabotaging of the train by a jealous lover. The legend goes that the engineer of the train was carrying on an affair with the lady friend of one of the railroad porters, so to get revenge the porter made a break in one of the rails on a bend where the train was right on the edge of a steep drop off. When the engine hit the break, it derailed, plummeting it and all the passenger and freight cars over the side and down the deep ravine. The engineer was thrown out of the train and suffered serious injury, but ironically survived. All the passengers were killed when the freight cars that hauled pig iron on the train fell on them at the bottom of the ravine and crushed them to death.  At least this is the story told to us by Calhoun's agent. 

Chuck Wagon of course picks and chooses the details he used in the song, and more than likely made the whole dang thing up. He's a spinner of tall tales, entertaining though they are. Our only complaint is that he takes a more or less serious tone with the song until the very last comment on the recording, and it kinds of spoils the effect.

Howdy
My name's Chuck  Wagon Calhoun
I'm fixin' to tell ya'll a story 'bout a section of
Rail track out in the ol' west that to this day
be haunted by... the ol' steamer,
The Phantom Train Number 5!
YeeHaw Ya'll!
 
The Phantom Train Number 5
They say still makes the mountain run
Ain't no rhyme nor reason to it
It's cargo be souls every one!
 
Used to be a popular train
Afore all of it went away
Run from Newton to Mason
Way back in them oldern days
 
Hauled all sorts of goods from town to town
Had some passenger cars as well
But one day when the whistle blowed
Round the bend o'er the side it fell
 
The Phantom Train Number 5
Made the same run years and years
Never had trouble, not even one
'Til two trainmen caused the tears
 
Nobody figgered it out
Why it lurched and jumped the rail
Been the most dependable then
Until the day of its fail
 
But rumor said the engineer
Makin' time with the porter's frail
So's he jiggered the rails all up
So the train 'round the bend would fail
 
The Phantom Train Number 5
Done in by a jealous lover

Caused a bad predicament
Made human souls ghosts that suffer
 
Ran the line a few years after
Even went to them diesel trains
But 'twern't long they shut 'er down
Quit makin' monetary gains
 
Like a mist in the dark of night
The steamer pulls cars along
Full of the souls that died that day
As they moan and groan their sad song
 
The Phantom Train Number 5
Carries us dead on hellish ride
We have to do all over again
Each night oe'r the edge we slide!
 
Now that's a hell of a thing, ain't it?
Twern't them folks fault that engineer were
Playin' round with somebody else's gal!
Nope! Not fair to make them folks pay!
Oh, hell, 'tis all bullshit anyway!

Un Grupo de Mexicali - El Burro Sabio (The Wise Burro)

 In the early 1500's, Spanish conquistadors, missionaries, and explorers brought burros to Mexico (called New Spain at the time) from the deserts of North Africa as well as the Arabian Peninsula. They are descendant from the African wild ass and were first domesticated in North Africa and The Middle East. The animals proved to be of valuable use in Mexico as pack animals used in mining and hauling goods over rough terrain and mountains. Although the animal has been largely replaced by modern mechanization, small landowners and farmers still rely on it.  Agave growers, the crop used  to make the liquor tequila, utilize burros in their fields. Producers say they do less damage than machines to the rows of agave plants. Coffee growers in hard  to reach areas use burros as they can navigate the rough terrain better than trucks.

The burrow remains a deeply embedded icon of Mexican culture. It has come to represent hard work, humility, strength, and the rural life, although it also has a reputation among some as being stubborn and stupid. But that is not really the case. They are intelligent, and what is mistaken for stubbornness can be a sign of their intelligence when they refuse to do something because they may perceive a danger, or recognize that they are overheated and tired and need to rest. 

In this song by Un Grupo de Mexicali,  the man who owns the burro is outwitted by the burro, and the burro freely admits that he is the one in charge, not the owner! The song's verses are first sung in Spanish, then English translation. The group sent us the sound file for publication, as they still refuse to enter the United States, despite having all the current paperwork and visas up to date. They are very suspicious of the current U.S government's position on immigration and foreign visitors. 

Mi patrón un hombre terco
Siempre quiere mandar
Yo un burrito listo
Sé cómo lo puedo engañar
 
Él me jala la rienda
Piensa que soy lento
Pero mi cerebro piensa
Más allá del momento
 
Ay ay ay mi burrito
Qué astuto animal
Ay ay ay mi burrito
Siempre salgo triunfal
 
My master, a stubborn man
Tries to be in command
I'm a clever little burro
I can out trick any man
 
He pulls on the reins
He thinks I'm slow
But my brain thinks
Past the moment though
 
Oh oh oh a little burro
A cunning animal am I
Oh oh oh a little burro
I win and I don't even try
 
Me carga con sacos pesados
La montaña escalar
Yo me hago el cansado
Lo hago sudar
 
Un día me puse a pensar
Qué tonto mi patrón
Lo dejo siempre ganar
Pero la victoria es mi don
 
Ay ay ay mi burrito
Qué astuto animal
Ay ay ay mi burrito
Siempre salgo triunfal
 
 
He loads me with heavy sacks
To climb the mountain
I pretend to be tired
So his shirt with sweat is stained
 
One day I started to think
How foolish my master is
He thinks he always wins
But victory is not his!
 
Oh oh oh a little burro
A cunning animal am I
Oh oh oh a little burro
I win and I don't even try