Chuck Wagon Calhoun - When I Done Tol' Wyatt Earp Where To Git Off!

 Well, Chuck Wagon shows up again with a tall tale about when he was a bartender in Tombstone, Arizona. Coincidentally, it was when Wyatt Earp was there as well, about 1880-1881 or so. That would make Chuck Wagon older than dirt! Everybody knows by now that anything Chuck Wagon sings about comes spinning out of his own warped imagination! 

We're still not sure who in the heck this guy is. We get recordings of his through an agent over the internet. We don't know anything about the agent either. Oh, we've got a n ame, but we don't think it's his real name. At least Reginald P. Farquahar, the name they use, can't be found in any search of agents or attorneys. But we wire them money, and it shows being taken out of our account. Doesn't matter. AS long as things are legal, and Chuck Wagon keeps sending us odd songs from the 'Old West', we're happy!

The story of Wyatt Earp still captures the imagination of the American public, as well as around the world. The town of Tombstone has made a big effort to keep many of the buildings and a part of town the way it was back then albiet with some modern updates) The Bird Cage Theatre, The Oriental Saloon, The O.K. Corral, and other buildings with some still carry bullet holes from those rowdy times. An associate of ours has been there, and he says it's like walking back in time in some parts of town.  Wyatt Earp remains a legendary figure, with more than a few of the legends actually being true! Of all the gunplay he was involved with in his life, he was never shot, not even nicked, by gunfire. That he could be a lawman one minute and a criminal the next is also true, as he was accused of stealing horses, pimping prostitutes in Peoria, Illinois.  

He kept on the run after his doings in Tombstone, even got as far away as Alaska. He ended up passing away in Los Angeles, California in 1929 at the age of eighty! An interesting side note; it appears there might be some truth to the legend that John Wayne met Earp on a movie set in 1928, and they grew to be friends. Just how much, if any, of this is true probably will never be known for sure. But the thought of two American legends knowing each other, with Wayne using Earp as an example for the character he was to eventually develop on screen is intriguing!

Howdy!
My names' Chuck Wagon Calhoun
Got a story ya'll might wanna hear
'bout the time I were a bartender...
WHEN I DONE TOL'  WYATT EARP
WHERE TO GIT OFF!
In Tombstone,  Arizona!
YEE HAW YA'LL!
 
I done all kinds a stuff, from cowhand to bushwhacker
From whore pimpin’, and general lolligagger
But it tweren't 'til I left what was to become Oklahoma
That I found my place tendin' bar, in Tombstone, Arizona!
 
It were at the Oriental Saloon
A place that were fancy and not for goons
Were 'sposed to be a gentleman, no farts nor burps
Runner of the game tables named Wyatt Earp!
 
Had ta wear a fancy white shirt, with red stripes
Garters on ma arms, servin' beer and breakin' up fights
When foam come over the glass I struck with no fear
Wiped off ma finger and stuck it in the glass of beer!
 
I worked the bar and tables, things goin' jest fine
When Wyatt started messin' with a gal that were mine!
Tol' him "Wyatt, that there gal be mine, sum bitch!"
That's what I tol' him, without nary a  twitch
 
He looked at me with hard eyes, and reached fer his gun
Tried to intimidate me, but I didn't run!
Tol' him,"I know all 'bout yer reputation
But I don't give a shit in this here situation!”
 
Had to wear a fancy white shirt, with red stripes
I jest talked to Mr. Earp like that ? Oh, cripes!
He'll pull out his pistol, and pistol whip me right on my ear
Won't be alive to stick my finger in no glass a beer
 
Now I don't know rightly, how I got by with sayin’ that
Maybe Wyatt was plumb hung over or feelin' flat
But he tol' me, "Sorry pardner, didn't know she were taken"
Then he grabbed my hand, and began to shakin'
 
Were feelin' downright mighty, played it fer all it was worth
"Jest be careful, Wyatt Earp, as ya go forth!
I'll be watchin' ya close fast, as ya go through the day
And that's it, pardner, all that I'm a gonna say!"
 
My red stripes were a shakin' on my fancy white shirt
Best be on my way, pack my bag, afore I git hurt!
So that night I packed my gear, and got my horse all saddled
Road like a bat outa hell, from Tombstone I skedaddled!
 
Found out later why Earp seemed so distracted
He were joinin' up with his pals to palaver...
About what became known as...
THE SHOOT OUT AT THE OK CORRAL!
Ye gods and little fishes, I dodged a bullet again!

Craic Agus Ceol - Ballad Of Charlie Mopps

 The Irish band Craic Agus Ceol (Gaelic for 'Fun and Music') sent us their latest performance of a song anticipating St. Patrick's Day, a day honoring the patron saint of Ireland. The date of celebration is the 17th of March, the traditional day of St. Patrick's death. 

The subject of their song concerns an Irishman named Charlie Mopps, the man that invented beer! The original song 'Beer, Beer, Beer' uses a tune that may have originally been a drinking song in the British Isles. Another theory is that was written for use as a drinking song in Irish pubs. In any case, no one is really sure about the origins, and that the name 'Charlie Mopps' was a good rhyme for 'hops'.  The song is sung around the English-speaking world in many versions and variants. 

The band's take on the legend is that Charlie was swindled out of his invention by crooked publicans that got him to sign a contract giving them all the rights. After Charlie tried to fight it but found out he couldn't win, he was satisfied to know that a clause in the contract gave Charlie free beer for life in any pub he went! Charlie led a long life drinking beer, and died a happy man! 

With the coming of Saint Patty’s day there's a song you may hear
About an Irishman the people say invented beer
He throwed together yeast and water and all the finest hops
Sat and watched it bubble up, and the man is Charlie Mopps!
 
It'll be  Beer, beer, tiddily beer when the old song that you'll hear
Hardly benefittin' tune for the man what invented beer!
 
Charlie Mopps took the hops and throwed them in the water
He took a pint and swallowed it, and said  "That's quite a snotter!"
Charlie Mopps! Charlie Mopps! A man of history
Invented a drink that calms the nerves and is good for thee
 
Now ol' Charlie were a shy young man, and tried  to keep it quiet
But word got 'round and all the gang came to his house to try it
It were calmer than whiskey, more potent than drinkin' water
They all said "Charlie! Ye need to sell this stuff, ya really oughter!"
 
It'll be  Beer, beer, tiddily beer when the old song that you'll hear
Hardly benefittin' tune for the man what invented beer!
 
Charlie Mopps took the hops and throwed them in the water
He took a pint and swallowed it, and said  "That's quite a snotter!"
Charlie Mopps! Charlie Mopps! A man of history
Invented a drink that calms the nerves and is good for thee
 
All the publicans liked the brew, wondered what to name it
Wanted to come up with a name that wouldn't defame it
One a them said "Whatever we call this golden nectar,
When we sell a lot of it we'll be money collectors!"
 
It'll be  Beer, beer, tiddily beer when the old song that you'll hear
Hardly benefittin' tune for the man what invented beer!
 
Charlie Mopps took the hops and throwed them in the water
He took a pint and swallowed it, and said  "That's quite a snotter!"
Charlie Mopps! Charlie Mopps! A man of history
Invented a drink that calms the nerves and is good for thee
 
Well ol' Charlie liked his brew and drank until daylight
When he were drunk publicans pulled some dirty shite
They had a crooked solicitor draw up a contract
Given them the rights to the beer that the law backed
One night when all were sayin, "May yer glass be ever full!"
Day had him sign the contract, and it were all lawful!
 
But it weren't all a bad end, for good ol' Charlie Mopps
While he hired his own solicitor, found he couldn't stop,
The legal action takin' away his golden brew
But he didn't agonize aboot it, anger fret and stew
There were a clause in the paper, that gave year after year
Free for life for ol' Charlie, of his concoction they named beer!
 
Charlie Mopps who took the hops and throwed them in the water
Drank his fill at every pub, became quite a potter
Charlie Mopps! Charlie Mopps! A man of history
Died of old age, drinkin' beer, a man that died happily

Forgotten Bob - Rock-a-Billy Baby

 Forgotten Bob has a group of hardcore fans, and one of them is a young woman that he's told us is always there at his gigs dancing. So Bob wrote this song for her, and he plays it at every gig he plays! 

She's a Rock a billy baby!
Music makes her move her feet
Loves it and proud, never too loud
Rock a billy makes her complete!
 
When she first heard Rock a billy
She was barely out the cradle
Her Mama said when she heard it
She beat out  time with a ladle
 
But it wasn't just in passing
Something she finally outgrew
Rock a billy stuck in her ears
Like it had been covered with glue!
 
She's a Rock a billy baby!
Music makes her move her feet
Loves it and proud, never too loud
Rockabilly makes her complete!
 
Now she's got her honey with her
He likes Rock a billy too
They listen to it all the time
Can't get enough it is true
 
They both dress the part, oh yeah
She wears a red halter dress
He wears a t-shirt and leather
Hair piled up neat not a mess!
 
She's a Rock a billy baby!
Music makes them move their feet
And every chance, go out and dance
Rockabilly  makes 'em complete!

The Nude Polka Kings - The Icicle Polka

 The Nude Polka Kings have been busy playing gigs all over the country as well as their own Polka Hall in Chicago, IL, which they say is the largest nudist polka hall in the country. We'd go one step further, and hazard that it is the only nude polka hall in the country. 

People might not think about polka being popular in Kentucky, but with over a half million people of German ancestry, plus a smattering of Polish and Czech ancestry, there is a market for Polka music in the state, mostly near the bigger cities. The Kings play there every winter, and at one of their gigs they happen  to meet one of The Burgoo Boys band members, the lead singer John Henry Flort. After the gig, the band usually hangs around drinking beer and shooting the breeze with their fans, and that's when John Henry introduced himself. 

Ends up John Henry is a big, big fan of Polka music, and after sitting up bull breezing with the band, they decided to make a recording of him singing lead, the recording being showcased here. John Henry really gets the band going, and the result is a fun polka, including John Henry's favorite 'Dad' joke! 

The band wanted to make a confession: The picture used for the title card of naked to the waist men DOES NOT included members of the band. It was a professional picture taken using male models. There is no member of the band that looks remotely like any of the men in the picture, as most of the guys are at least middle aged or older, some with balding heads, most with pot bellies! 

When it’s in the wintertime, with all the wintery storms
Snow piles on the shingles, on the eaves icicles form
They are pointy and so shiny, drip in the sun and sway
Be careful when they fall, that you’re not in the way!
 
The icicle polka, watch them drop so fast
The icicle polka, watch them fall right past
When the sun loosens them from their perch up high
If you look up when they fall, it could take out your eye!
 
When I was a young lad, I heard of an Inuit
During the winter night he threw a hissy fit
He longed to see the sunshine, but couldn't get along
Because the nights up there, are 6 months long!
 
The icicle polka, his happiness suppressed
The icicle polka, he grew so depressed
Stabbed himself with an icicle, went completely nuts
Police ruled it suicide, death by cold cuts!
 
When I was a young lad, we were very poor
We lived very frugally, without any grandeur
We had to make do, when on the ice we'd cavort
Tie icicles on our shoes, and skate for winter sport!
 
The icicle polka, it worked so very well
The icicle polka, we gathered them when they fell
Only trouble was, when they got too very hot
They'd melt into a puddle, right on the spot!
 
We're The Nude Polka Kings, that is very true
Don't play outside in winter, what is wrong with you?
If we would do that, a bad fate to us would be fall
We'd get too cold all over, AND GET BLUE BALLS!
 
The icicle polka, play indoors 'til spring
The icicle polka, don't wanna freeze off our thing
We'll look out the window, at icicles so clear
Play another polka, and have another beer!

Buzzy Carlyle - Drinkin' My Lunch, Dinner Too

Buzzy Carlyle had a minor setback in his health for a while that caused his doctors to restrict the number of visitors he was receiving. He had been tutoring young blues men and women who were flocking to him once they knew about him. He'd dropped out of most people's memories as he continued in his downward spiral that would have surely not ended well. As it was he suffered a major heart attack and had to undergo emergency surgery. Thanks to his cardic surgeon who is a blues fan, he's gotten assistance and been placed in a care facility. Setbacks are to be expected due to his age and the way he's abused himself with drugs, but he follows doctor's orders and wants to stay around as long as he can. He's back to his old self again, receiving a limited number of vistors so he has time to rest.His latest recording relates a story from his days on the road. Buzzy tells more about it:

This song is from a time when I was on the road playin' any ol' dive or juke joint that would pay me, usually in a bottle or two of wine or hard liquor. No doubt I'm an alcoholic, and this was when I did most of my drinkin', before I started doin' other drugs. Hell, I remember goin' a long time between eatin', like the song says, I drank most my meals. Never forgot sittin' on that bench in the park drinkin' and that old dog comin' up to me, and how he looked at me while I pet him once i fed him. That look told me a lot about  myself I didn't like and couldn't handle. I had just left my wife and some kids, feelin' real sorry for myself. And I drank even more. It's a wonder I'm still around, all the dumb ass stuff I done! Only thing I had to my name was the clothes on my back and an old resonator guitar I bought at a hock shop, and I even lost that somewhere along the line!

Buzzy plays a resonator guitar that was gifted to him by the cardiac surgery team that performed emergency surgery on him, just one of the many honors he's received from fans and friends during his recovery. He's in fine voice, and his fingers still can play that guitar! 

Drinkin’ my lunch, dinner too
Drinkin’ my breakfast as well
Ain’t gonna eat nothin’ no how
Gonna jest drink, what the hell!
 
When I was on the road years past
I sat on a bench with my jug
Big ol’ dog just a big lug
Came up and sat, was steadfast
 
They say a dog is man’s best friend
Ain’t never owned me no dog
All I had were a couple hogs
Raised for pork chops, weren’t no friend
 
Drinkin’ my lunch, dinner too
Drinkin’ my breakfast as well
Ain’t gonna eat nothin no how
Gonna jest drink, what the hell!
 
 Ol’ dog put his chin on my knee
He sure looked hungry and sad
Dug in my coat pocket to see
What kind of food that I had
 
 Found half an old sandwich
Small bag of tater chips too
He ate the sandwich clear through
And the chips without a hitch
 
Drinkin’ my lunch, dinner too
Drinkin’ my breakfast as well
Ain’t gonna eat it anyway
Gonna give to him, what the hell!
 
He clum up on the bench real slow
He laid right next to my leg
He were happy, sure didn’t beg
Looked up at me and seemed to know
 
I was jest good for a handout
Wasn’t no future with me
He could read me like a book
Didn’t have to sort it out
 
Drinkin’ my lunch, dinner too
Drinkin’ my breakfast as well
Ain’t gonna eat it anyway
Done gave it to him, what the hell!
 
That ol’ dog stayed a while longer
I pet him as I took a drink
Then he left fast as he had came
Leavin’ me all alone to drink
 
That ol’ dog was right! 

Hambone Riley - My Willie Won't Go Down!

Hambone Riley's experiences trying to cope with his slowing sexual abilities due to age is told in his song My Willie Won't Go Down! It happens to many men, and not just with advanced age. There's all kinds of treatments for ED now, with the medication Viagra being a popular treatment. But it does have drawbacks, the main one being what Hambone narrates; priapism, an extended erection. First thoughts by a lot of men is that it sounds like a lot of fun! But the truth of the matter is that extended erections can be very painful, and lead to deforming of the penis. Viagra can cause this in some cases, unfortunately Hambone was one of them. First round of treatments can be cold packs and pseudoephedrine taken. If this doesn't work, hospital care is needed with a nerve block tried. Other drugs can also be tried, but if no results happen then aspiration with a needle of the blood trapped in the penis is done, the treatment Hambone evidently had to succumb to. (OUCH!) The last resort is surgery where a shunt may be put in. Four hours is the maximum time to let it go if it happens. After that the longer time that is waited, the more risk of permanent damage. It can even lead to gangrene  (yikes!) of the penis,  and in that case it's goodbye Little Willie (as Hambone calls his member).

Like many things that happen in life, while they happen it's not funny. After the event can be a different matter. Hambone told us on the phone his whole story, pretty much as he relates it in his song, and his tale was punctuated by many breaks as he laughed about it all. But he also emphasized how much it HURT! 

I made a trip to the doctor
For a reason I won't disguise
Got a whole lotta trouble
Gettin' Li'l Willie to rise

Doc went all over my health chart
Looking for all of my ills
He said I'm a good candidate
For the little blue Viagra pills

Oh, gimme the prescription, Doc!

I'll go fill it right away!
Try this wonder medicine out
At the end of today!

Me and my baby went to bed
I tol' her all about the pill
She smiled, told me to go take it
And see if it fills the bill!

Took it a while to kick in
We was lovin' away, kissin'
Then she reached down grabbed a handfull
Of what she tol' me she been missin'!

Hot damn! Like a young man again!
It ain't been that pumped up in years!
We kept on humpin' and bumpin'
Tryin' to make it a new career!

We finally collapsed on the bed
We was both totally wore out!
Didn't get no funny feelin'
My Willie was still big and stout!

Goddam! My Willie won't go down!
What in the hell's goin' on?
Cain't fuck no mo, my back is so
I'm tired, breathless and drawn!

I followed what Doc done tol' me
If this kind a thing should happen
Took some other pills, iced it down
Started to hurt, got misshapen

After 4 hours, really in pain
Willie 's head like a big mushroom
Wife tol' me get my clothes on
Goin' to the 'Mergency room.

My pants crotch stuck out like a tent
I was so goddamed embarrassed
Nurse came in to assess my case
Tol' me to strip and get bare assed

Don't wanna know what they did!
Trust me, a hard dick ain't worth it!
Li'l Willie's still achin' and so
'Scription wish I wouldn't have filled it!

No! Not that! Not that big needle!
What in hell are ya doin' with it?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Goddam! My Willie won't go down!
What in the hell's goin' on?
Cain't fuck no mo, my back is so
I'm tired, breathless and drawn! 

The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band - The Hillbilly Beast Of Kentuck

Must be a trend for songs about legends. We at Big And Tall Records just released a song by Chuck Wagon Calhoun about The Phantom Train No. 5, and now the Burgoo Boys and Uncle June's Boys send along a song about The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck! As legends go, there can be a particle of truth in them, and in the case of Chuck Wagon, it'd be more like a molecule! While there are legends floating around about phantom or ghost trains, the details he relates in his song are not reliable. Let's just say he's a known spinner of tall tales strictly out of his imagination.  The Burgoo Boys featuring Uncle June's Jug Band is more of an unknown example. Of course they are more than capable of telling a 'whopper', but we did Googlefy their legend, and there is some info about it found here. The song is somewhat tongue in cheek, with the band playing the appropriate low sounds with a tuba and trombone, with Uncle June's distinctive voice telling the tale!

Daniel Boone

The beast has also been called the Bigfoot of Kentucky, and is comparable in many ways. Many folk lores from different cultures and countries have their own folklore of a giant creature that lives in the forest. The Hillbilly Beast traces its origin (as much as it can be traced) back to pre-colonial times with Native American tribes. These myths were passed down to colonists, and were influenced by their own cultures.  Daniel Boone, the early settler, explorer and statesman in Kentucky (who is a legendary figure himself) allegedly shot one to death when it charged his camp. The creature was immediately (and conveniently) buried so as not to cause alarm and fear with others in the camp. This story spread and was retold, and as humans like to one-up each other when telling a story, grew to mythical proportions. 

In the Eastern part of Kentuck
The foothills of Appalachia
Lives a horror in the forest
Out in the boondocks of nature
 
Some say it is just a myth
A legend of the hill folk
 I ain't seen one, oh no never
For some the myth ain't no joke!
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
It weighs over 800 pound
Daniel Boone himself kilt one!
It's a horror passed down the line
From Grampaw, to father, to son!
 
Uses its hairy fist to bang on trees
Can smell it a mile away!
 I ain't seen one, oh no never
Thems seen it, won't go away
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
Ya'll can believe that if ya want
But for me that just can't be
Go sit at night in the forest
No tellin' what yer gonna see
 
Could be a local hill folk
Dressed in a hairy suit to fit
Or maybe an ol' black bear
Fixin' to take a big shit!
 
But it makes for a good yarn
'Round a campfire fur the young'uns
To pass on all the folklore
To yer daughters and yer sons...
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high
 
Whether ya'll call it the Hillbilly Beast,
Sasquatch, Yeti, Abominable Snowman,
Or Bigfoot, every culture's got a tale that
 amounts to the same thing...
A figmentation of the imagination!
 
The Hillbilly Beast of Kentuck!
Horrible stink with yeller eye
Hoots and growls in the forest
All hairy and ten foot high