Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Workin' At The Rattlesnake Saloon

The latest from our resident spinner of tall tales, fabrications, imaginative truth-stretching and other fancy words and phrases for BULLSHIT! This song is about whisfirst job back in the old west when he worked in The Rattlesnake Saloon (location not disclosed) cleaning and polishing spittoons. Then one night, when the chorus line was short a girl, his boss drafted him to be in it! A teenaged boy doesn't really look like a chorus girl, especially in the old west, a time when  chorus line women that didn't work for the bigger saloons in the larger cities were also 'soiled doves'! But Chuck Wagon assures us when he was young he was "downright pretty," and the women put make-up on his face as well as lace stockings, a dress, and "frilly under drawers!"

As is usual many times in his songs, things turn nasty, and he has to make a hasty retreat from town after he messes up the face of a drunken cowboy that put a hand up his dress. And at the end of the song, Chuck Wagon tells how the experience made him appreciate women, as well as...well...listen and read for yerselves! Yee Haw Ya'll!

My legs was pretty back then
Smooth with no hair on 'em
Now they's bowlegged and all
Back then they was straight and slim
 
Howdy
My name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun, and I
Got a tale to tell 'bout when I was young
And downright pretty!

Spittoon

YEE HAW YA'LL!
 
First job I had when I were young
Was at the Rattlesnake Saloon
Had to clean out and then polish
All of them there brass spittoons
 
One day the boss waved me over
Hell ya'll don't even shave yet!
Face as soft as a baby's ass
Girls'll take care of ya don't fret!
 
They was short a girl the dance line
All they needed was one more
I felt kind a sheepish indeed
DIDN'T WANNA BE NO WHORE!
 
They put net stockings on ma legs
Lipstick and rouge on ma pan
Put me in frilly under drawers
Said the dance was the Can can
 
The boss done tol' me “Don't worry
Take yer place smack in the middle
Jest kick up yer legs with the rest
When ya hear piano and fiddle”
 
 I was prancin' along real good
Dancin' with all of the rest
They all turned 'round bent over
AND ALL THEM THROWED UP THEIR DRESS!
 
Tol' the boss to hell with you!
Ain't gonna show my ass hell no!
He said “Now jest you hold yer horse
Don't ya know what ya got in store?
 
“Them gals gonna treat you right good
They'll show ya all of the ropes
Can be with them when they's naked
Gettin' ready, don't be a dope!”
 
Things went well, pokes liked me fine
Thought I were a real young skirt
Boss even let me sang some songs
Then pokes got to winkin' and flirt
 
One a them drunken cowboys
Done put their hand up my dress
Gall dang, I lost my temper!
And really messed up his face!
 
Don't care what ya'll got a hankerin fer
Jest don't try it with me, sum bitch
I twern't THAT dad burned pretty
He were that goddam drunk
Boss fired me.... Gals shunned me...
But it done taught me to appreciate naked gals...
And give me a hankerin’ to wear frilly under drawers...
Like I got on right now!