Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Thar's Gold In Them Thar Hills!

 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun sings his latest about seeking his fortune by prospecting for gold. He's not prospected before, but he knows what he needs to do it. A grubstake, pick and shovel...and a mule to do the heavy work. So he finds a prospector that made his fortune and no longer needed his mule named Euripides. So he made a good price to Chuck Wagon, bought him and headed up to the mountains. Chuck Wagon's got prior experience got prior experience dealing with a mule, in fact the mule Ol' Tom was the subject of Chuck Wagon's premiere recording with Big And Tall Records. And as with Ol' Tom, trouble brews with Euripides as well. As with all of Chuck Wagon's endeavors, he loses interest and moved on to his next adventure...after he sells Euripides...Rip as Chuck Wagon calls him! So what adventure and profession awaits our tall tale teller? Stay tuned and find out! 

Howdy!
Ma name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun.
I’m fixin’ to jack ma jaw at ya ‘bout
The time I deserted the world and went prospectin’…
FER THAT YELLER STUFF WE GO NUTS OVER!!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
 
Had ‘nough of gittin’ my ass shot at and beat
So I heerd ‘bout some dudes stakin’ claims
Way up in the hills findin’ gold nuggets big
So I sold all my stuff and went to do the same
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, say the ol’ timers
Nuggets found as big as a chicken egg
Got me a grub stake and a pick an a shovel
Now all I need’s a mule, then stretch ma legs!
 
Now I done worked with mules afore now.
Git a good one, they help out a lot
Git a bad one, all they do is eat and shit
Best save yer money with a pistol shot…
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, say the ol’ timers
Found me a miner that done struck it rich
Didn’t have no need fer a mule no more
He said he were a good worker…(lying sum a bitch!)
 
Couldn’t believe when he tol’ me the mules name
He called the ol’ mule Euripides
What the hell kind a name fer a mule is that?
Some ol’ Greek dude what wrote tragedies?
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, said the ol’ timer
Best keep callin’him the same name
If ya change it, he prolly won’t answer
He’s a good boy, will mind ye, and tame!
 
So I tried to shorten his name to Rip
I hollered it and to my side he did trip
So we gathered ourselves and got on the trail
And he follered me long side my hip
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, but whar’s it at?
Me and Rip fer a month searched for mother lode
My back was a achin’, my knees were a shakin’!
Went further and further down the road
 
Now it seems the further we traveled
I were carryin’ more of the weight
Ol’ Rip was a lolligaggin’
He best shape up, git goin’ straight!
 
Thar’s gold in them that hills, OH YEAH?
My ass is sorely draggin’
Ol’ Rip wants to sit under the shade tree
His part of the deal shore is flaggin’
 
Come to a head one damned hot sultry day
The sun beatin’ down on my brow
Ol’ Rip sittin’ in the shade of a tree
My patience really snapped somehow
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, ya goddam mule!
No mo gonna give ya a pass
I picked up a big ol’ tree limb
And was fixin’ to beat his ass!
 
He looked at me with his big brown eyes
As I was fixin’ to give him a whallop
Brayed a couple times like he t’were laughin’
And suddenly he grunted and sprang up
 
Thar’s gold in them thar hills, he seemed to say
But it shore ain’t worth all of this trouble
He walked ovah to me, nuzzled ma hand
I dropped the big club on the double
 
[Spoken word]
It took that stubborn old mule to make me see the error of my ways.
What the hell good is gold if you're all cobbled up from findin' it?
So I sat with him in the shade of the tree,
Scratched him under the chin like he liked,
Vowed to quit prospectin', and then told old Rip I thanked him-
Then I sold that goddamn stubborn no good
Consarned lazy fuckin' mule!
And I told the dumbass what bought him he's a good worker!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Number Twenty Two

Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears again! This time he thinks he’s found the ultimate winning hand in Carson City, Nevada. After trying his luck as a professional gambler he realized the cards weren't breaking his way, so he pivots to a new strategy: romance.

Enter a wealthy, elderly widow. Chuck figures he’ll sweep her off her feet, tie the knot, and comfortably settle in as the sole heir to her massive fortune. It seems like the perfect, effortless retirement plan... until a buddy pulls him aside and drops a bombshell about his bride-to-be's actual intentions! Turns out, she's got a "doin' away" method she uses with her suitors, and Chuck's life might just slip away if he stays. Realizing he's completely outmatched, Chuck decides to skip the confrontation, gather up his gear, saddle up his horse, and hit the trail before the wedding bells can toll.

We'll give this guy credit for his resilience and trying all kinds of ways to make a living. Trouble is that so often his money making ideas are either undermined by his own actions, or the ideas were like Ralph Kramden-like; not the best ideas that were doomed to failure no matter what he did! What will be next? We here at Big And Tall Records await with bated breath!

Howdy!
This be Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
I bet ya’ll didn’t know I were a professional 
Gambler in the boom town of..
Carson City, Nevada!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
Playin’ cards day and night ain’t at all an easy way
Hard to git any sleep and it don’t always pay
Found me ‘nother tactic to earn me a livin’
With a widow woman try to make me a killin’
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Saggy of chest and chonky of hip
Droopy of eye, hair like the snow
But I loved her, even all of that’s so
 
We’d take a buggy ride away out the town
Got her to bill and coo make some other sounds
She pledged her love to me and I called her honey
‘Twernt much to look at but she had gobs a money!
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Hair on her chin, and post nasal drip
Feet that were crooked, and ass that t’were lumpy
I loved her, but damn she was so grumpy!
 
Planned to git hitched and all cuz she cain’t live too long
I’d git all her money to hep me git along
But one of my buddies took me aside one night
Tol’ me don’t marry her, git her out of yer sight
 
He tol’ me after ya’ll git hitched
And she says yes to be yer wife
She’ll insist you take out a policy
That will cover yer life
And by the time she’s all done with you…
You’ll be dead husband number twenty two!
 
Fair of complexion, wrinkled of lip
Marry this bitch, my life's gonna slip
Fingers all gnarly toe nails yeller too
She's got plans a doin' way with you!
 
 
Sat and wondered what in the world to do
Should I confront her say to hell with you
But in the end I decided like I do of course
To gather up ma shit and saddle up ma horse!
 
I reckoned if she done kilt 21 husbands
she knowed what she were doin' !
I'm a no account, low life bastard 
but I ain't no match fer
 a consarn dad blamed poor excuse
 for an old woman that don't play fair! 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Bulgin' Tough Muscles

 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun continues his traipsing around the old west, this time as, of all things, a blacksmith with Bulgin' Tough Muscles in the town of Deadwood, South Dakota. Deadwood began as a group of squatters that illegally squatted on the land that had been guaranteed ownership of the Black Hills in 1868 to the Lakota People. Lawsuits, some going as high as The Supreme Court ensued, but things took a turn after George Armstrong Custer was ordered to lead an expedition into the area, and in 1874 there was an announcement declaring gold had been found. By 1876 there were 12,000 people in the town and it was known for its lawlessness, murder, gambling, prostitution, and about every other kind of human bad habit. 

The pimp mentioned in the song is Al Swearengen, a man that operated the opium trade in town (there were Chinese immigrants in the town that had connections to get it) as well as a saloon called The Gem Theater. He had his fingers in most all the illegal activity in town, and stayed there until 1899. Sheriff Bullock mentioned in the song was a Canadian/American born in Ontario, Canada in 1849. He was a business owner, politician, Sheriff, and U.S. Marshall. He had to leave Canada to avoid prosecution when he was a County Treasurer and funds were found to be missing. So like many lawmen  of the old west, he spent his time on the other side of the law. 

We here at Big And Tall Records are keeping track of Chuck Wagon's exploits and where he says he's been. He's starting to run out of famous old west towns, so who knows what comes next?

Under the spreadin’ Chestnut tree
Stood the village smithy… it was me!
Howdy!
Ma name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun and I’ve
Got a story to tell ya ‘bout a town ya might
Have heerd of…
DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
When I were young I apprenticed
At a blacksmith shop in Deadwood
Took me a while to get the hang
Of poundin’ the anvil like I should
 
After a lotta hammerin’
Poundin’ red hot steel inta shape
My muscles growed big and hard
Shore did me good in a few scrapes
 
Because I sure had
Bulgin’ tough muscles in ma arms
Bulgin’ hard muscles in ma face
Glistnin’ hard muscles in ma legs
Ripplin’ rough muscles ever place!
 
I put in long hard days and nights
Workin’ and sculptin’ red hot iron
Inta what ya could use, like horse shoes
Griddles, wagon parts and flat irons
 
After work I’d go git some grub
And have a few dranks with ma pals
Did a little gamblin’ as well
But never had to pay fer no gals!
 
Because I sure had
Rock hard tough muscles in my ass
Even had muscles in my spit!
Impressive muscles ever where
EVEN HAD MUSCLES IN MY SHIT!
 
Ladies would always foller me
Like they’s all my puppy dogs
They like to feel all my muscles
Keep me out ‘til the mornin’ fog
 
Then a pimp named Al Swearengen
Owned The Gem Theater saloon
Tried to frame me for a murder
That were done by one a his goons
 
Sheriff Bullock was in on it
He swore they had me dead to rights
Vigilantes fixin’ to hang me
In the middle of the night!
 
They had me in jail gettin’ ready
To gimme a noose neck tie
I bent the jail bars with ma muscles
And spit in Sheriff Bullocks eye!
 
So guess what I done…
Used ma strong arms to escape
Saddled up ma horse rode away
Held the horse reins in ma strong hands
I SHORE AS HELL COULDN’T STAY!
 
[Spoken-word]
Them crooks in Deadwood hated my ass
‘Specially the pimps!
Never made no money off me back then!
Didn’t have to spend no money on women…
Women spend money on ME!
Fight over me, squabble and pull out each other’s hir…
I used to tell em’…
JEST LINE UP, WAIT YER TURN!
THE MUSCLE MAN’S GOT ENOUGH
FER ALL OF YA!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun with Un Grupo de Mexicali - Tijuaner, Mexico!

Once we here at Big And Tall Records aren't surprised by what we get from our artists, we get a song like this one! We are still in the dark about who this Chuck Wagon Calhoun character is, but his songs are a hoot. Now, he's teamed up with our Mariachi artists Un Grupo de Mexicali in this bit of typical Calhoun tall tale telling. And that's all we know. Un Grupo gave us no clue, and of course Calhoun's lips are sealed about who he is. Un Grupo obviously struck up a good relationship with Calhoun as their part in this song is up to their usually high standards. But we don't know if Chuck Wagon went to Mexico, as Un Grupo have vowed to stay out of the U.S. due to the current political climate, or if Un Grupo were in the states unbeknownst. In any case, the song is up to both the artists standards!

HOLA!
This here's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Got a story to tell ye 'bout when I had to
Leave the great state of California
In a....well....right big hurry....
And what happened when I went south to
TIJUANER, MEXICO!
YEE HAW! YA'LL!
 
I rode like hell and made it,
Way down south of the border
And escape some situations
That were a right big disorder
Rode  in the town of Tijuaner and met
Me some real live bandeeters...
And bought them tequiler in the canteener,
That's where I seen the senioriter...
 
She were dancin',  playin' them clackity clack bits!
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a clackin', with the hombres yakkin'
Dress raisin', showin' her under paints gave me fits!
 
One a them thar bandeeters, wearin' a bandelaro,
All raggedly dressed, an' wearin' a great big sombrero...
Noticed me makin' googly eyes and said to me  "Hey Meester!"
Jew like what jew see,  pay me, jew can have my seester!"...
 
She kept dancin' , clickin' them clackity clack bits
Dress ruffly, low cut and a showin' her tits!
Spinnin' and a winkin'  all the hombres drinkin'...
Dress raised  higher , drivin' me  out ma wits!
 
I fer shore fancied her, so I asked him how much it cost?
He said, "I like you, only 22 pesos and you  be boss!
Her name is Sally, take her to  back alley
Best young woman you ever come across!
 
She kept on dancin' ,  I gave him the money
He brought her back , she were callin' me honey
Her brother yelled and swore, she led me out the door
And the others began to laugh...what were so funny?
 
Went out to the  alley and she started kissin' on me
She were firm and young, and really a might pretty!
I was unawares, but then started seein' stars!
And then they was nothing else left to see...
 
Don't know how long it t'wer, I laid out in the sand
Face next to a cow turd, cactus near to  hand
Ma head full of bumps, ma skin covered in lumps
Staggered to ma feet, couldn't hardly stand
 
Finally some federales came ridin' out to help me,
Were 'bout daid, pain ma haid, eyes all red,
Helped me on a horse, gave me food and water
Tol' me "No vuelvas Americano PENDEJO!"
 
Took me a long time to git healed from that.
I vowed I'd swear off women!
Damn, all ma troubles seem to happen
When I git hooked up with one of 'em!
And I really did. ..Swear off 'em...
FER ' BOUT 2 DAYS!
HAHAHA!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Escape From Dodge City

 Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears to have a song connecting him with many legendary towns of the old west. There may be nuggets of facts in the songs, but they're few and far between. Chuck goes out of his way with this one about Dodge City. Yes, Dodge City was a cow town of the old west, and is still in existence today. But Miss Kitty? Marshall Matt Dillon? Pure fiction taken from the radio and television shows. Gunsmoke was on television for 20 seasons from 1955-1975, and was consistently ranked high in viewership. It's been off network TV for over 50 years, but can still be seen on streaming services all over the world. So while Chuck is a teller of tall tales, this one may resonate even more with listeners! 

And he seems to be a lady's man, after a fashion. Despite his demeanor, his tales usually end up with  him having to save his hide by leaving town, usually over a woman! So carry on, Chuck Wagon! Which old west town is next?

Howdy!
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Fixin’ to sang ya’ll a song ‘bout a
Town in Kansas a long time past…
AND HOW I POKED A
FAMOUS LAWMAN'S GAL!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
 
I worked at a Livery stable and the job were shitty!
In a town out west by the name of Dodge City
Spent leisure time at the Long Branch Saloon
Playin' games to try and win dubloons
 
I used to play cord games like 5 cord draw
Git a gal when the urge was in my craw
A gal worked there  I heerd was a dandy
Whenever I saw her I done felt right handy
 
A good looker with a mouth right pretty
She done tol’ me her name was Miss Kitty
She appealed to me  so then I inquired
Asked her flat out if’n her ass were for hire!
 
 “Marshall Matt Dillon be my man”, she said
“Best head out, afore he shoots ya dead!
He don’t cotton to nobody messin’ with me!
Jest keep it up pardner, and you’ll see!”
 
I sure didn’t wanna incur her wrath
I needed a shave, haircut, and a bath!
A twenty dollar gold piece help hide my stink
Slipped it down her cleavage to help her think
 
Shivered when the coin stopped ‘tween her big tits
She said, “You know, at second glance I admit
Yer a rugged man that I could go for
Jest so you know... I ain’t no whore!
 
Rented a room on the third floor
Poked like crazy, she asked fer more
Were a sprightly gal, right sportin’ lass
With great big titties, and shapely ass!
 
We lay there restin’ when we was done
When the door was kicked open by her hon
Drawed his gun, and said  ‘twere arrestin us
Kitty said  “MATT DON'T RAISE A FUSS!
 
This feller showed me a good time paid fer my ass!
Whole twenty dollars in gold, I couldn’t pass!
Yer Marshall wages don’t amount to shit!
Take off yer clothes , and join us for a bit!”
 
Now I ain't above joinin' two folks do it
But due to circumstance, might not live through it
So as Kitty's naked ass jiggled
Into my clothes I quickly wiggled
 
Jumped out  the winder  didn’t want trouble!
Got my horse and left town on the double!
And when I were safe on my horses back
I had half a notion to go on back...
 
And have it out with Marshall Dillon!
Cain’t respect no dude that would tolerate
 His gal poke an ugly ol’ skunk turd like me,
Even fer twenty bucks!
I’d a busted that door down with guns a blazin’,
 I'd tell that sum bitch this, and I'd tell that sum bitch that!
THEN I'D PISTOL WHUP HIS ASS RIGHT THERE!"

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - In Flagrante Delicto

Chuck Wagon Calhoun seems to be making the rounds of towns (real or made up!) in the old west. Hislatest is based in Ogallala, Nebraska where he was, of all things, a barber! Ogallala is known for its past as a terminal for the Great Northern Railroad and the cattle drives from Texas to the railroad for transport to eastern stockyards. As with other cow towns, the town had its share of drinking, whoring, and general rowdiness as cowpokes who had been on the trail driving cattle relaxed when they reached their destination.

Ogallala is known for one of the largest aquifers in the world, the Ogallala Aquifer that supplies drinking water to a vast majority of inhabitants within its area, which comprises 8 states in The Great Plains. This aquifer has also been used for irrigation as well.

The title of  this song is Latin - In Flagrante Delicto - which roughly means getting caught doing an illegal and/or immoral act. Knowing Chuck Wagons' past, perhaps the term applies to many things that have happened to him! We here at Big And Tall Records can't wait to see where Chuck Wagon ends up next, and what trouble he gets into!

Howdy!
My name’s Chuck Wagon Calhoun
I got a story to tell ya ‘bout when
I  were a barber in the town of…
Ogallala  NEBRASKA!
YEE HAW, YA’LL!
 
Were down on my luck, hitched a ride to wherever
Ended up in Ogallala, couldn't find nothin’ better
Got a job in a fancy barbershop, sweepin’ up the floor
‘Twernt long, I got bored, wanted somethin’ more!
 
Learned how to cut hair from the barber that I worked
Trimmin’ hair, shavin’ chins, jumped right in didn’t shirk
Got to know all the gents in town, learned jest what they like
Earned extry money in tips which is what I shore like!
 
I even had a bag like a doctor, it were shore funny
I’d go to people’s houses to make me extry money
The men they’d relax in a dinin’ room chair
While I trimmed ‘em all up, even their nose hair!
 
 Learned how to cut hair, my boss taught me it all
Even give the young’uns a haircut while they sat and bawled
Had a standin’ order at the big shot Mayor’s house
To give him the works, with perfume give him a good douse!
 
One day I were summoned to the mayor’s place
Wasn’t the usual day but I went to save face
I were met at the door by his purty young wife
Yeah, for shore, best lookin’ woman  ever seen in my life!
 
She said, “Greetin’s and thank ye fer comin’ today
Mayor ain’t here, but I still hope that you can stay
Noticed you from afar, I need your steady hand
To trim away some hair from my promised land…”
 
She raised up her skirts and petticoats,
She weren't wearin' no under pants,
And ooh.....dang... I saw what she meant.
Ain’t never seen no hairier private parts
On a woman, and ain’t never trimmed one before!
But I got out my scissors, and started in…
 
Ya’ll can figger out what when on to transpire
The mayor’s wife was with passionate afire
I done my level best to start quenchin’ the flame
When the mayor walked in... and her face turned to shame!
 
Caught with my pants off in flagrante delicto
The mayor turned as red jest like ol’ Mephisto
And I dodged him as I sashayed out holdin’ my pants
While his wife laid on the table in a dead out trance!
 
Once again, cuz of a dang woman,
I had to make myself scarce!
'Tweren't no doubt in my mind the
Mayor would a shot my ass dead!
Ran like hell to the livery clutchin' my pants in my hand,
 Got my horse and rode out bare assed!
And the only regret I got ‘bout the whole dang affair…
I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO FINISH WHAT I STARTED! 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Booger Hole Shorty

Some more 'memories' of Chuck Wagon Calhoun, a man that has done everything and is timeless, a legend in his own mind! This time he's a world-class billiards player that gets whipped by a man they call Booger Hole Shorty, in the town of Booger Hole,Texas naturally. We 'googled' Booger Hole, Texas and we were not surprised to learn there is no such town in Texas by that name. But Shorty comes by the name honestly, as he's a man that barely can reach the table he's so short. But he proves to be a great shot, as he runs out the entire game without letting Chuck Wagon get off even one shot. 

We're all wondering what tall tale Chuck Wagon comes up with next time! He appears to have an interest in history, the history of the old west for sure!

Howdy!
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun.
Bet ya’ll didn’t know I used to be
A world class billiard player!
This here’s a song ‘bout the time
I played  ‘nother world class dude
In the town of… Booger Hole, Texas!
YEE HAW, YA’LL
 
Booger Hole Shorty were my foe
‘Bout as big as my little toe!
Barely reached the table, but they said he’s able
To run yer bank account low!
 
Through the grapevine heard that in a little town in Texas
Was a player could beat me whose style of play's reckless
Packed up my bag rode my horse towards my goal
Mosied down the road to find the town of Booger Hole!
 
Booger Hole Shorty were my foe,
Jest 'bout as big as my little toe!
Barely reached the table, but they said he’s able
To run yer bank account low!
 
Folks tol' me that Shorty would be there soon
So I played solo to git warmed up wanted to be in tune
Then two big galoots walked in, made the way clear
For an itty bitty dude that follered up the rear!
 
Booger Hole Shorty were really short!
Jest 'bout as big as a popcorn fart
Looked like a kid, 'cept for a bald lid
Smoked a cigar, gave me a start!
 
Shorty didn't say a word, got a wad of money out his pants
Throwed it on the table, crowd began to chant
"Booger Hole Shorty! Booger Hole Shorty! Ya'll can do it!
Jest give it to him hard and good, don't never quit!"
 
Lagged to see who got to shoot first
Shorty won showed whose shot was worse
All I did was drink whiskey and watch the little bastard
As he showed me the damned shots he'd mastered
 
Booger Hole Shorty were really hot!
Pranced and acted like a little snot!
Looked at me and giggled, his little ass he wiggled
And he kept sinkin' shot after shot!
 
Never got to make a single shot! He were that good!
 I can take an ass whuppin', as well as the next dude,
But when the little fucker come up and said in a high
Squeaky voice, "You cain't shoot pool fer shit!"
I bent down to bust him one when the two big galoots
 Rushed me!  I walloped them in the head with my pool
Cue and took off runnin'!  When I got to the door, I turned and hollered, 
"I hope when ya git home, Snow White beats yer ass and sends
Ya to bed without no supper, YOU SAWED OFF DAD BLAMED
 LITTLE ASS HOLE!" 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Workin' At The Rattlesnake Saloon

The latest from our resident spinner of tall tales, fabrications, imaginative truth-stretching and other fancy words and phrases for BULLSHIT! This song is about whisfirst job back in the old west when he worked in The Rattlesnake Saloon (location not disclosed) cleaning and polishing spittoons. Then one night, when the chorus line was short a girl, his boss drafted him to be in it! A teenaged boy doesn't really look like a chorus girl, especially in the old west, a time when  chorus line women that didn't work for the bigger saloons in the larger cities were also 'soiled doves'! But Chuck Wagon assures us when he was young he was "downright pretty," and the women put make-up on his face as well as lace stockings, a dress, and "frilly under drawers!"

As is usual many times in his songs, things turn nasty, and he has to make a hasty retreat from town after he messes up the face of a drunken cowboy that put a hand up his dress. And at the end of the song, Chuck Wagon tells how the experience made him appreciate women, as well as...well...listen and read for yerselves! Yee Haw Ya'll!

My legs was pretty back then
Smooth with no hair on 'em
Now they's bowlegged and all
Back then they was straight and slim
 
Howdy
My name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun, and I
Got a tale to tell 'bout when I was young
And downright pretty!

Spittoon

YEE HAW YA'LL!
 
First job I had when I were young
Was at the Rattlesnake Saloon
Had to clean out and then polish
All of them there brass spittoons
 
One day the boss waved me over
Hell ya'll don't even shave yet!
Face as soft as a baby's ass
Girls'll take care of ya don't fret!
 
They was short a girl the dance line
All they needed was one more
I felt kind a sheepish indeed
DIDN'T WANNA BE NO WHORE!
 
They put net stockings on ma legs
Lipstick and rouge on ma pan
Put me in frilly under drawers
Said the dance was the Can can
 
The boss done tol' me “Don't worry
Take yer place smack in the middle
Jest kick up yer legs with the rest
When ya hear piano and fiddle”
 
 I was prancin' along real good
Dancin' with all of the rest
They all turned 'round bent over
AND ALL THEM THROWED UP THEIR DRESS!
 
Tol' the boss to hell with you!
Ain't gonna show my ass hell no!
He said “Now jest you hold yer horse
Don't ya know what ya got in store?
 
“Them gals gonna treat you right good
They'll show ya all of the ropes
Can be with them when they's naked
Gettin' ready, don't be a dope!”
 
Things went well, pokes liked me fine
Thought I were a real young skirt
Boss even let me sang some songs
Then pokes got to winkin' and flirt
 
One a them drunken cowboys
Done put their hand up my dress
Gall dang, I lost my temper!
And really messed up his face!
 
Don't care what ya'll got a hankerin fer
Jest don't try it with me, sum bitch
I twern't THAT dad burned pretty
He were that goddam drunk
Boss fired me.... Gals shunned me...
But it done taught me to appreciate naked gals...
And give me a hankerin’ to wear frilly under drawers...
Like I got on right now! 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - When I Done Tol' Wyatt Earp Where To Git Off!

 Well, Chuck Wagon shows up again with a tall tale about when he was a bartender in Tombstone, Arizona. Coincidentally, it was when Wyatt Earp was there as well, about 1880-1881 or so. That would make Chuck Wagon older than dirt! Everybody knows by now that anything Chuck Wagon sings about comes spinning out of his own warped imagination! 

We're still not sure who in the heck this guy is. We get recordings of his through an agent over the internet. We don't know anything about the agent either. Oh, we've got a n ame, but we don't think it's his real name. At least Reginald P. Farquahar, the name they use, can't be found in any search of agents or attorneys. But we wire them money, and it shows being taken out of our account. Doesn't matter. AS long as things are legal, and Chuck Wagon keeps sending us odd songs from the 'Old West', we're happy!

The story of Wyatt Earp still captures the imagination of the American public, as well as around the world. The town of Tombstone has made a big effort to keep many of the buildings and a part of town the way it was back then albiet with some modern updates) The Bird Cage Theatre, The Oriental Saloon, The O.K. Corral, and other buildings with some still carry bullet holes from those rowdy times. An associate of ours has been there, and he says it's like walking back in time in some parts of town.  Wyatt Earp remains a legendary figure, with more than a few of the legends actually being true! Of all the gunplay he was involved with in his life, he was never shot, not even nicked, by gunfire. That he could be a lawman one minute and a criminal the next is also true, as he was accused of stealing horses, pimping prostitutes in Peoria, Illinois.  

He kept on the run after his doings in Tombstone, even got as far away as Alaska. He ended up passing away in Los Angeles, California in 1929 at the age of eighty! An interesting side note; it appears there might be some truth to the legend that John Wayne met Earp on a movie set in 1928, and they grew to be friends. Just how much, if any, of this is true probably will never be known for sure. But the thought of two American legends knowing each other, with Wayne using Earp as an example for the character he was to eventually develop on screen is intriguing!

Howdy!
My names' Chuck Wagon Calhoun
Got a story ya'll might wanna hear
'bout the time I were a bartender...
WHEN I DONE TOL'  WYATT EARP
WHERE TO GIT OFF!
In Tombstone,  Arizona!
YEE HAW YA'LL!
 
I done all kinds a stuff, from cowhand to bushwhacker
From whore pimpin’, and general lolligagger
But it tweren't 'til I left what was to become Oklahoma
That I found my place tendin' bar, in Tombstone, Arizona!
 
It were at the Oriental Saloon
A place that were fancy and not for goons
Were 'sposed to be a gentleman, no farts nor burps
Runner of the game tables named Wyatt Earp!
 
Had ta wear a fancy white shirt, with red stripes
Garters on ma arms, servin' beer and breakin' up fights
When foam come over the glass I struck with no fear
Wiped off ma finger and stuck it in the glass of beer!
 
I worked the bar and tables, things goin' jest fine
When Wyatt started messin' with a gal that were mine!
Tol' him "Wyatt, that there gal be mine, sum bitch!"
That's what I tol' him, without nary a  twitch
 
He looked at me with hard eyes, and reached fer his gun
Tried to intimidate me, but I didn't run!
Tol' him,"I know all 'bout yer reputation
But I don't give a shit in this here situation!”
 
Had to wear a fancy white shirt, with red stripes
I jest talked to Mr. Earp like that ? Oh, cripes!
He'll pull out his pistol, and pistol whip me right on my ear
Won't be alive to stick my finger in no glass a beer
 
Now I don't know rightly, how I got by with sayin’ that
Maybe Wyatt was plumb hung over or feelin' flat
But he tol' me, "Sorry pardner, didn't know she were taken"
Then he grabbed my hand, and began to shakin'
 
Were feelin' downright mighty, played it fer all it was worth
"Jest be careful, Wyatt Earp, as ya go forth!
I'll be watchin' ya close fast, as ya go through the day
And that's it, pardner, all that I'm a gonna say!"
 
My red stripes were a shakin' on my fancy white shirt
Best be on my way, pack my bag, afore I git hurt!
So that night I packed my gear, and got my horse all saddled
Road like a bat outa hell, from Tombstone I skedaddled!
 
Found out later why Earp seemed so distracted
He were joinin' up with his pals to palaver...
About what became known as...
THE SHOOT OUT AT THE OK CORRAL!
Ye gods and little fishes, I dodged a bullet again!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - The Phantom Train Number 5

Chuck Wagon Calhoun's latest song is his telling of a tale about a train that is doomed to repeat an historical wreck that took the lives of all its passengers, who are all trapped souls on the train. They suffer through their fate every night because of the sabotaging of the train by a jealous lover. The legend goes that the engineer of the train was carrying on an affair with the lady friend of one of the railroad porters, so to get revenge the porter made a break in one of the rails on a bend where the train was right on the edge of a steep drop off. When the engine hit the break, it derailed, plummeting it and all the passenger and freight cars over the side and down the deep ravine. The engineer was thrown out of the train and suffered serious injury, but ironically survived. All the passengers were killed when the freight cars that hauled pig iron on the train fell on them at the bottom of the ravine and crushed them to death.  At least this is the story told to us by Calhoun's agent. 

Chuck Wagon of course picks and chooses the details he used in the song, and more than likely made the whole dang thing up. He's a spinner of tall tales, entertaining though they are. Our only complaint is that he takes a more or less serious tone with the song until the very last comment on the recording, and it kinds of spoils the effect.

Howdy
My name's Chuck  Wagon Calhoun
I'm fixin' to tell ya'll a story 'bout a section of
Rail track out in the ol' west that to this day
be haunted by... the ol' steamer,
The Phantom Train Number 5!
YeeHaw Ya'll!
 
The Phantom Train Number 5
They say still makes the mountain run
Ain't no rhyme nor reason to it
It's cargo be souls every one!
 
Used to be a popular train
Afore all of it went away
Run from Newton to Mason
Way back in them oldern days
 
Hauled all sorts of goods from town to town
Had some passenger cars as well
But one day when the whistle blowed
Round the bend o'er the side it fell
 
The Phantom Train Number 5
Made the same run years and years
Never had trouble, not even one
'Til two trainmen caused the tears
 
Nobody figgered it out
Why it lurched and jumped the rail
Been the most dependable then
Until the day of its fail
 
But rumor said the engineer
Makin' time with the porter's frail
So's he jiggered the rails all up
So the train 'round the bend would fail
 
The Phantom Train Number 5
Done in by a jealous lover

Caused a bad predicament
Made human souls ghosts that suffer
 
Ran the line a few years after
Even went to them diesel trains
But 'twern't long they shut 'er down
Quit makin' monetary gains
 
Like a mist in the dark of night
The steamer pulls cars along
Full of the souls that died that day
As they moan and groan their sad song
 
The Phantom Train Number 5
Carries us dead on hellish ride
We have to do all over again
Each night oe'r the edge we slide!
 
Now that's a hell of a thing, ain't it?
Twern't them folks fault that engineer were
Playin' round with somebody else's gal!
Nope! Not fair to make them folks pay!
Oh, hell, 'tis all bullshit anyway!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - It Were in The Town Of Frog Lick

Just where in the heck is the town of Frog Lick? And is there a town named Frog Lick? A quick check of Google finds no town named Frog Lick anywhere. Not a big surprise, as Chuck Wagon's reputation as a tale spinner is well known. And by the introduction he gives to the song, you might expect a tender country ballad about a broken heart. But far from it! The tempo quickens, and we have another humorous song! 

We here at Big And Tall Records still have not discovered who Chuck Wagon Calhoun is. We're dealing with a go-between acting as his agent, and there's no info to be gained from them! So we'll look forward to the next song he sends us!

Howdy!

My name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun
I reckon ya'll might wanna hear 'bout a lost love of mine
 That still grieves my heart to think 'bout.
 
It were in the town of  Frog Lick
Where my dear sweet heart made her home
I tried to git her to go away
From her Maw and Paw she wouldn't roam
 
When a young'un I'd go courtin'
To my dear Petunia's house
We'd sit in the swing on the porch
I'd stick my hand down her blouse
 
But we had to keep an eye peeled
Fer her Maw and Paw that spied
Cuz they knowed their daughter was loose
So they always kept her in eye
 
It were in the town of  Frog Lick
Where my dear sweet heart made her home
I tried to git her to go away
From her Maw and Paw she wouldn't roam
 
Knowed she had a lot of lovers
But that never mattered to me
Figgered she knew all the tricks
And she never would charge a fee
 
So I took what I could git
At least got to feel her titties
Got caught once by hags goin' by
A nasty ol' bunch of biddies!
 
The ol' ladies raised a ruckus
Maw and Paw ran out the house
One the women said 'HEY LOOKEE!
HE GOT HIS HAND DOWN HER BLOUSE!
 
It were in the town of  Frog Lick
First time a gun were pulled on me
GIT OFF OUR PORCH, YOU LECHER!
So I ran off, their words I heed
 
But it didn't last fer long
Soon as it got really late
'Bout midnight I went to see her
We gonna leave town be my mate
 
We always met in the barn
Opened the door, was confused
Two legs up in the air
AND I RECOGNIZED THE SHOES!
 
It were in the town of  Frog Lick
Bitch couldn't even wait fer me
Some other feller's between her legs
Jest like she had done with me!
 
So I learned a lesson that night
Took off from Frog Lick next day
Never been back
But on occasion, I think 'bout Petunia
I really did love her, 'specially her titties
But then, I think 'bout all the men she' prolly had since then
All the young'uns she got
 Prolly fat and wrinkly by now
She never did smell too good neither
GODDAM, DID I dodge A BULLET! 

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - The Ballad of Dead Eye Calhoun

Chuck Wagon Calhoun sings his latest song about Dead-Eye Calhoun, a gunslingin' ,cross-eyed, woman shootin', not too bright ancestor.  We're still not sure who in hell this Chuck Wagon is, but we like his songs, written with his tongue firmly in cheek! 

 Howdy
My name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun
Thought ya'll might like to hear the tale of
my ancestor, the gunslinger Dead Eye Calhoun!

A man that lived long ago
A gunslinger in the old west
His fame he come by honestly
But he twernt better than the rest

Wanted to be a gunslinger
Ever since he were a kid
But his eyes crossed afore his nose
Glasses down his face they slid

Deadeye Calhoun, a real killer
Yer chance of dyin' were mighty
If ya stood smack dab behind him
You would meet the almighty

He done put notches on his gun
Fer ever one he done kilt
But they twern’t all men, no indeed
In shootin' gals he were skilled

The safest place to stand
When he drawed on men he despised
Was right in front the dumb ass
Cuz of his googlin' eyes!

Deadeye Calhoun, a real killer
Yer chance of dyin' were mighty
If ya stood smack dab behind him
You would meet the almighty

Deadeye made his rounds of the towns
Of fame in the old, old west
Dodge City and Laredo, 
Tombstone, El Paso, and the rest

Was in the town of Wichita
When drunk, and full of cruel hate 
He drew down on a rival
And Deadeye met his fate

He got a bead on the cuss
He drawed first and pulled the trigger
He missed who he wanted to kill
Caused the crowd watchin' to snigger

The bullet left the pistol
Careened off towards a water pump
Ricocheted  off the metal
Come back and hit him in his rump

It went through both his ass cheeks
Hoot and hollered out his head
Took off runnin' down the street
As the wounds gushin' they bled

He kept on shootin' his guns
'Til he run out of ammo
Fell down in the dusty street
As the blood continued to flow

He bled out right then and there
To die like that might not seem fair
Fer an old west gunslinger
But ain't nobody seemed to care...

Deadeye Calhoun, a real killer
Yer chance of dyin' were mighty
If ya stood smack dab behind him
You could meet the almighty

So there's the story of Deadeye Calhoun My Ancestor
Best I can figger; he was my  Grampaw 4 times over
My other relations ain't talkin' to me no more since I tol' the story.
and I know why...
Cuz Deadeye was not only a cruel bastard,
He was a no account murderous boil on the ass
of society that deserved to die in the dirty, cow shit covered streets 
of Wichita cuz he was a heartless sum bitch and...a real dumb shit!

Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Ol' Tom

 A new artist here at Big And Tall Records! Chuck Wagon Calhoun! Yee haw! Now the story so far about Chuck Wagon is that he used to work as a chuck wagon cook in a re-enactment group in a cattle roundup. It was like a dude ranch as professionals would take amateurs out on the range rounding up cattle, and the experience included chuck wagon cuisine. Evidently the dude ranch/roundup enterprise went under after a few attempts. Since then Chuck Wagon Calhoun has been making the rounds of local county fares playing the role and cooking genuine chuck wagon grub. 

A group of musicians got together with Chuck and organized a band that would add music to the act, and they've been playing country venues ever since and have gained some local popularity. One of our associates caught their act, and passed this is along to us, and it hit a quirky, funny note for us. Kind of like a risque Spike Jones!

Howdy

My name’s Chuck wagon Calhoun I'm the last of my kind Ah got a story to tell ya’ll So unplug yer ears, if yer so kind... There's still cattle roundups goin' on Even in this here day and age Kind of old timey, I’ll grant ye From an ol’ history page Them ‘pokes what steal ride the range Gotta have all of them’s vittles So that’s where I enter the scene But I ain’t no lickspittle! ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes play their guitars they brang Raise their butt cheeks and then fart In tam with the music they sang Got a mule pulls the wagon He’s ol’, and feisty, and crusty The wagon’s older than hell too With wheel axles all rusty So it ain’t easy fer ol' Tom To keep up with the herd And it makes me all kind of anxious Makes me say a harsh word ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes play their guitars they brang Raise their butt cheeks and then fart In tam with the music they sang Well, ol’ Tom got a wild hair Was pullin' the wagon too fast No matter how hard I reined him To the next night stop he past He got that there rusty ol’ wagon Movin’ at a right rapid pace Wheels hit a gopher hole hard Throwed me all out on my face

Now them pokes ain’t had no supper Sangin’ songs ‘bout stringin’ me up Cain’t find that goddam mule nowhere And they’s got empty guts and cups! Mercy me! Where in hell's that Tom! Goddammit! All them cowboys grumbling' Cuz of their empty belly Made my knees shiver and quake Was nervous as hell, oh nelly! But jest 'bout to give it up Lookin' fer that goddam mule He come lopin' 'round the bend Started brayin' like a fool! Wagon still hooked on him Nothin' tall got spilt! So it twern't long time at all before... ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes played their guitars they brang Raised their butt cheeks and then farted In tam with the music they sang What in hell ya dew that fer, Tom? You long-eared, dumb ass galoot! That's the third time you done it! What’s' a matter, you bored Oughta beat ya'll in yer thick hayed With a 2 by 4, iff'n I had one! Goddam lolligaggin' consarned dadburned sum da bitch worthless poor excuse fer a fuckin' mule!