Zbig Szafranski with The Nude Polka Kings - Czernina!

Zbig Szafranski

He's back! Zbig Szafranski has come back to theU.S. after a visit to his homeland of Poland.  We thought that he wouldn't come back by the sound of things last time we heard a song from him. He sounded and looked terrible; overweight, forgetful, gruff and nasty personality. He had been associated with our polka group, The Nude Polka Kings, and their spokesperson told us  that they thought he'd gone back to Poland to die. But after the first of the year he came back. Ends up Poland was not to his liking, too much had changed. He looked up some relatives when there, and one of them was a rich businessman in Warsaw who took a liking to him and got him into a private hospital for a checkup. After a few weeks there, and put on a diet, he came out a new man! Medication to help with  his failing heart, and a general makeover of the rest of his health issues. The spokesman told us his attitude changed as well! Not nearly as grumpy and cantankerous, looks downright healthy for a man in his late 90's! And you can hear the difference in his voice, compared to this song he first recorded for us:

 

His new song is in  tribute to his Polish Grandmother who used to make his favorite dish for him: Czernina - Duck Blood Soup! Yes, soup made from dried fruit, vinegar, onions, garlic, pepper, salt, duck broth...and duck blood! A classic, traditional peasant soup from Poland that used all of the duck 'except the beak'. For peasants all over the world, nothing could be wasted. We hear at Big And Tall Records have never heard of it, let alone tasted it, but  they say it is a sweet and sour soup that if you can forget that one ingredient, tastes very good and is still popular in Poland today.

I went to Polska,
I tell you something I ate, classic dish!
Is Czernina!  Cernina! Say it! Cernina
I going to tell how to make it
BUT YOU GOING TO EAT IT ANYWAY!
 
Take onions, cut them fine
Dice dry fruit, do what I speak
You need a kacza...A DUCK! ...
A live duck!
Don't be sissy pants, use it all but beak!
 
 Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Onion, pepper and salt use too
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki! Is good for you!
 
Hold duck over bowl...CUT HIS THROAT!...
Is tradition! Don’t get sick!
Drain blood in bowl, then pluck and gut!
Simmer dead kaczki in plenty water deep
Strip off the meat, let it steep!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Do what I say
Duck blood! Duck blood! Use it today!
Vinegar then you going to use
Duck blood! Krew z kaczki!  You don’t refuse!
 
Put vinegar in bowl with blood
Don't want  blood clot get hard
Stir it up, let it sit, go back to kaczki
Filter broth, duck cut up , use DUCK LARD!
 
Put everything together, let it simmer
Not too hot, and get pierogies ready!
What?  You don’t know pierogies?  Shame on you!
Is good Polska food, learn already!
Don’t be stupid Polack!
 
Krew z kaczki! Krew z kaczki! Ready to eat!
Duck blood! Duck blood! Tender sweet meat!
Simmered in broth, blood, but not beak
EAT IT GODDAMMIT! DON’T GET SICK!
 
Is good for you! So very tasty too!
Was cooked by my babcia (Grandma)
When I was little boy
Is good memory, this soup!
Niech Bóg błogosławi duszę mojej babci…
(May God bless my Grandmother’s soul)
 
Duck blood soup! Duck blood soup! Do what I say
Czernina! Czernina! Use it today!
Onion, fruit, pepper and salt use too
Czernina! Czernina! Is good for you! 

The Nude Polka Kings - The Icicle Polka

 The Nude Polka Kings have been busy playing gigs all over the country as well as their own Polka Hall in Chicago, IL, which they say is the largest nudist polka hall in the country. We'd go one step further, and hazard that it is the only nude polka hall in the country. 

People might not think about polka being popular in Kentucky, but with over a half million people of German ancestry, plus a smattering of Polish and Czech ancestry, there is a market for Polka music in the state, mostly near the bigger cities. The Kings play there every winter, and at one of their gigs they happen  to meet one of The Burgoo Boys band members, the lead singer John Henry Flort. After the gig, the band usually hangs around drinking beer and shooting the breeze with their fans, and that's when John Henry introduced himself. 

Ends up John Henry is a big, big fan of Polka music, and after sitting up bull breezing with the band, they decided to make a recording of him singing lead, the recording being showcased here. John Henry really gets the band going, and the result is a fun polka, including John Henry's favorite 'Dad' joke! 

The band wanted to make a confession: The picture used for the title card of naked to the waist men DOES NOT included members of the band. It was a professional picture taken using male models. There is no member of the band that looks remotely like any of the men in the picture, as most of the guys are at least middle aged or older, some with balding heads, most with pot bellies! 

When it’s in the wintertime, with all the wintery storms
Snow piles on the shingles, on the eaves icicles form
They are pointy and so shiny, drip in the sun and sway
Be careful when they fall, that you’re not in the way!
 
The icicle polka, watch them drop so fast
The icicle polka, watch them fall right past
When the sun loosens them from their perch up high
If you look up when they fall, it could take out your eye!
 
When I was a young lad, I heard of an Inuit
During the winter night he threw a hissy fit
He longed to see the sunshine, but couldn't get along
Because the nights up there, are 6 months long!
 
The icicle polka, his happiness suppressed
The icicle polka, he grew so depressed
Stabbed himself with an icicle, went completely nuts
Police ruled it suicide, death by cold cuts!
 
When I was a young lad, we were very poor
We lived very frugally, without any grandeur
We had to make do, when on the ice we'd cavort
Tie icicles on our shoes, and skate for winter sport!
 
The icicle polka, it worked so very well
The icicle polka, we gathered them when they fell
Only trouble was, when they got too very hot
They'd melt into a puddle, right on the spot!
 
We're The Nude Polka Kings, that is very true
Don't play outside in winter, what is wrong with you?
If we would do that, a bad fate to us would be fall
We'd get too cold all over, AND GET BLUE BALLS!
 
The icicle polka, play indoors 'til spring
The icicle polka, don't wanna freeze off our thing
We'll look out the window, at icicles so clear
Play another polka, and have another beer!

The Nude Polka Kings - Don't Smash The Punkins! Polka

 The Nude Polka Kings turn their polka instincts to the Halloween holiday with the novel song Don't Smash The Punkins! Polka. The soloist is appropriately 'evil' sounding, even his yodeling has an edge to it. Most of us here at Big And Tall records enjoyed the song, except for one associate.

Whenever we get a sound file of a new song, we have a round table meeting of available associates and discuss it.  There is never a song released arbitrarily by us - they all come under scrutiny and a vote. The one dissenting opinion over this song came about the lyrics. First of all, the term 'punkins' instead of 'pumpkins', and to take it even further, it was suggested that since the song is really about smashing jack o' lanterns, it should be named 'Don't Smash The Jack O' Lanterns'.  Of course pumpkin is the correct term, but it was pointed out to the dissenter that since this was a novelty song, a certain hominess of style in the lyric was a good thing. Next, as to why they used 'punkin' instead of jack o' lantern, it was also pointed out that what is a jack o' lantern but a type of pumpkin after all? A specific style and use for a pumpkin, but still a pumpkin nonetheless. And the rhyme of 'punkins' and 'youngkins' was also criticized, as the dissenter didn't know what youngkins meant. As was pointed out to him, the meaning of the fabricated word can be derived from the context and poetic license; a young one, a kid.  But the lone dissenter stood by their guns, and we brought it up to a vote, with the obvious outcome.

It is the autumn time of year
And soon it will be Halloween
Trick or treating lots of candy
Ghosts and goblins on the scene

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT PLEASE...

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

Carving punkins into faces
Lighting them evil delight
Perfect time to dance the polka
In the dark and eerie night!

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT OH NO...

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

All kinds of costumes that we've seen
Witches, goblins, vampires too
Women wear some that are skimpy
We appreciate the view!

Halloweens not just for children
Grown ups can enjoy it too
Come on out and dance the polka
Wear costumes, drink some brew
BUT DON'T DO IT!

DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! After they've been carved!
DON'T SMASH THE PUNKINS! Children work so hard
If you smash the punkins, then all the youngkins
Will have no jack o' lanterns all because of you!

The Nude Polka Kings - Don Your Duds Polka

 With the ending of summer getting close, the weather is beginning to get a little cooler. Time to get out the fall jackets and flannel shirts - especially if you're a member of the Nude Polka Club! We remember the first time our associate here at Big And Tall Records told us of The Nude Polka Kings, we thought we were getting our collective leg pulled. But after he sent some pictures and a video, it was obvious it's true. Since their first recording last year, we've had many polka songs sent by the group, all of the songs written and performed by the members.  They're a mixed bag of musicians, majority of them middle to older aged, but there's a few younger ones supplementing their size when needed. As can be imagined, not just any musician will perform in the nude, and they're serious about the quality of music they make. The group's been a  lot of fun, they even had an old Polish polka master in the group for a while, Zbig Szafranski, who was in his 80's (at least). He has since left the group (much to their relief, as he was quite the character) and went back to Poland, and they've heard nothing from him since. 

So if you're a nude polka lover, time to get those clothes back on (unless you dance in a well-heated polka hall) and keep on dancing! Yo-dee-o-la-dee-hoo!

 We like to take off all our clothes
In the summertime
When weather's warm and pleasant
And the sun will shine
But it's starting to turn chilly
As it always does
Getting close to having to
Put on all our clothes!

Don your duds you lovely folks
Hide those bodies as you might
As long as you remain outside
Goose pimples not a good sight!

As much as we like to see
Bods in nudity
We aren't that fond of seeing blue skin
It's a crudity
If you want to remain nude
Then please go indoors
Make sure there's plenty of warmth
So joy's not hindered!

Don your duds you lovely folks
Hide those bodies as you might
As long as you remain outside
Goose pimples not a good sight!

We like to take off all our clothes
In the summertime
When weathers warm and pleasant
And the sun will shine
But it's starting to turn chilly
As it always does
Getting close to having to
Put on all our clothes!

Don your duds you lovely folks
Hide those bodies as you might
As long as you remain outside
Goose pimples not a good sight!

The Nude Polka Kings - Wave Your Weiner Polka

Evidently The Nude Polka Kings are on the road, in the buff, and having a good time. The only nude polka band in the country if not the world, is very busy playing gigs in the summer at nudist camps and other places where nudity  is the norm. So it's not too strange that the song writers of the group would come up with a song like Wave Your Weiner Polka. Their songs have hit upon many different themes, and wherever they go the crowd is very appreciative. and even with a nude polka band, there's things to be learned. From this song, we've learned that the men use their weiners as a thermostat in the summer heat...keep it cool, you'll be cool! The possible methods to do this boggle the mind, and are better left unsaid...

Some are normal size, just 6 inches long 

Some are much larger, have to call them dong 

Some like Vienna sausage, really small 

Some are so tiny, you can't see them at all 

 

Take it out and wave it, twirl it all about 

Whether short or long, or skinny or stout 

No need to be shy, give it some fresh air 

No one will notice, they will not stare... 

 

Wave your weiner polka, up and down to start 

Bounce it side to side and look very smart 

Then twirl it in a circle all around 

And notice what joy that you have found! 

 

Came up with this dance, on one humid night 

We had our clothes off, it was still a fright 

Keep your weiner cool, you'll be cooler too! 

So when it is hot, it's the thing to do 

 

We like to do it, on a hot evening 

While we play music, laugh and dance and sing 

Like a thermostat, it will regulate 

Wick away the heat, to make it all right! 

 

Wave your weiner polka, up and down to start 

Bounce it side to side and look very smart 

Then twirl it in a circle all around 

And notice what joy that you have found!

 

The Nude Polka Kings - Pigtail Polka

 

The Nude Polka Kings continue there composing efforts towards covering anything imaginable with a polka! This time it's pig tails. Not the kind on a real pig (although even that may be a subject for a polka in the future), but the hairstyle worn by women.  As the only nude polka band in the country, they have probably seen their share of body types and hairstyles, a vast number of subjects for polkas from this creative bunch of polka nuts! This polka slowly gets faster and faster until anyone still dancing at the end of it is going at a pretty good clip. The pig tails would be flying!

They just began their tour of nude polka venues, and believe it or not, they always sell out! We still are gobsmacked that there are so many fans of dancing in the nude! Of course, it must be remembered that the polka culture also embraces all kinds of Eastern European cuisine, and nothing goes better with that than beer! So like many off-beat occurrences, alcohol is involved. And we know that the Slavic heart is open and welcoming, so add that with an alcohol-lubricated mood, perhaps it isn't so strange. 

 

Pretty young girls dance in the Polka Hall 

Dancing and spinning without a care

Golden hair tied in perfect twists 

In pig tailed glory with ribbons fair 

 

 Oh they twirl in their dresses tonight

 As the band plays a happy song 

Young men compete to dance with them 

The song is short, the night is long 

 

 Their feet tap fast on the floor boards 

Rhythms in time with the band 

Accordions sing and the tuba growls 

The couples dance hand in hand 

 

Oh they twirl in their dresses tonight

 As the band plays a happy song 

Young men compete to dance with them 

The song is short, the night is long 

 

 Clarinets sing of the old country 

Slavic memories fill the hall 

Each girl has a handsome partner 

They look in their eyes and start to fall

 

 Oh they twirl in their dresses tonight 

Some older ones will soon be out of them 

They'll sneak away with their partners 

We were young once, so won't condemn! 

 

The younger girls are watched real close

 By parents and chaperones 

They're way too young to start to make

 Any little baby Slavic clones! 

 

 The old Mamas have the keenest eyes 

To watch out that they don't get the chance 

They know just what to look for, indeed they do 

To make sure that their daughters only dance

 

The Nude Polka Kings - Nude Polka Spree

 Ah, it's that time of year. The earth shakes off it's shackles of winter, gets through the crazy weather of  spring, and the first days of summer begin! Birds are busy twittering and building their nest to raise their young, animals of the forest begin to forage the tender sprouts of the warming earth, fruit trees burst in technicolor flowers, the first sprouts of other plants and flowers crack the surface of the earth and reach towards the sun, and the Nude Polka Kings begin their summer nude touring! 

We at Big And Tall Records first heard about this group through one of our roving associates who is a polka aficionado. He went to their own polka hall where nudity is not an option; it is mandatory! Our associate was hesitant, but they would not let him in the door until he stripped! The price of admission included a locker to store their clothes in, so he did it! He told us that it was embarrassing at first, and there was more people sizing up other naked people than he thought there would be. After a few VERY personally embarrassing moments (which we will not elaborate on) he got used to the nudity, and had a good time talking to people, the band, even did some polka dancing, which he said was quite different with a body unhindered (and unsupported) by clothing. 

So with this song, The Nude Polka Kings kick off their nude tour, at least at venues that support it. For others they will of course put their clothes back on! We haven't heard about what they said or did with Zbig Szafranski, the 84 year old Polish expatriate. Some say he's trying to get up a trip back to Poland as he hasn't been there for a long, long time. He left a wife and 3 children there, as he had a price on his head and have to leave quickly. They were supposed to join him later, but the Communist government stepped in and refused them passports. He has never found out what happened to them, if any are even still alive. Plus he's got many other members there. So we wish him a good trip if he can swing it. 

There's also a rumor floating around that he's in hiding from 4 women who are suing him for child support! Not older children either, all 4 women allegedly have a baby under a year old that they say are his! Of course a DNA test could tell if it was true or not, and that's why he's in hiding! Be something if this was true! 

This song by The Kings has some fine work by the band in instrumental sections of it. Make no mistake about it, nudity is a great gimmick to get attention, but these guys can really play! 

Weather is warming, and the sun is prime 

Birds are all chirping, tulips blooming too

 Close to the season, of clothes shedding time

 Clothes are a burden, and we like to do... 

 

 Naked buttocks bouncing, women's titties too 

Couples just with shoes on know just what to do 

Without any shame or false modesty 

We all get bare naked and have a Polka spree! 

 

Dancing stark naked, feel and being free 

Having the fresh air, streaming over me 

No better feeling, in this whole wide world 

To all the nudists, to polka and swirl 

 

Join a nudist club, some don't charge a fee 

There's some that have dances, totally are free 

Please don't be afraid, we've all been there too

 Embarrassed and shy, we were just like you 

 

Just give it a go; we'll help you to cope 

Once you feel fresh air, you'll feel like a dope

 Because you haven't given it a try 

Before now so send all those clothes to fly! 

 

 We're the polka band, that plays without clothes 

In the summertime, nudist juices flow 

Only nudist band, in this whole country 

May play near your home, come join polka spree 

 

 Dancing stark naked, feel and being free 

Having the fresh air, streaming over me 

No better feeling, in this whole wide world 

To all the nudists, to polka and swirl 

 

 Naked buttocks bouncing, women's titties too

 Couples just with shoes on know just what to do 

Without any shame or false modesty 

We all get bare naked and have a Polka spree! 

 

Just give it a go; we'll help you to cope

 Once you feel fresh air, you'll feel like a dope

 Because you haven't given it a try 

Before now so send all those clothes to fly!

The Nude Polka Kings - Too Much Beer

The Nude Polka Kings keep coming  up with new and different polka songs, at least the lyrics to them. They've written songs that include beer drinking in them, and for sure in the polka culture there is a penchant for it. But now they warn about too much beer, rather tongue in cheek perhaps, but nonetheless. This song has more instrumentals at the beginning and end, with some rather different sounds coming from a polka band. The vocalist is one of the founders of the group, Sammy Smitz, who has a very pleasing baritone. He also was the soloist featured in  their song Pigs In A Polka as well as others. 

The Kings are wrapping up their spring tour in 3 weeks, and they'll be getting ready to play their Nudie
Polka Tour, a unique tour of the band in venues where nudity is permitted, and in some places mandatory.  They have their own polka hall, Beer and wine bar, and a fine Polish/German restaurant outside of Chicago. It is unique as it is the largest (and only) mandatory nudist polka hall in the U.S. , maybe the world. They'll be there periodically through the summer and fall,  while playing other concerts occasionally. They prefer performing in the nude, but outside their own hall they will take gigs clothed as well. Our associate that's been there says it is a really fun place once you get accustomed to the nudity, and their restaurant has some of the finest food he ever ate! No doubt they'll open up with their song The Nudie Polka as they do with every concert they give. 

You’re drinking too much beer 

And you're dancing way too fast 

You might just slip and slide 

And proceed to bruise your ass 

 

When you fall down on the floor 

Here's what you should do 

Release your partner from your grasp 

Or she'll get bruised up too 

 

 Too much beer gives you crazy thoughts 

That can tie your feet into clumsy knots 

You've had too much beer it's really not a crime 

Just sit and listen be so sublime 

 

 Too much beer polka we play it every time 

Too much beer polka cuz we all like a good time 

We dance and sing and drink they are remedies 

Too much beer polka soothes all our maladies! 

 

We all enjoy the music and the camaraderie 

It helps to cope with the strife of living 

A few hours in a dance hall relaxing 

Can help make life worth living 

 

But too much of it they say isn't good for you 

Pork fat, salt, sugar, alcohol, all the stuff that's good 

So try to be diligent with your party time 

And try to do the things you know you should 

 

Too much beer polka we play it every time 

Too much beer polka cuz we all like a good time 

We dance and sing and drink they are remedies 

Too much beer polka soothes all our maladies!

 

The Nude Polka Kings - The Skinny Dip Polka

The Nude Polka Kings continue with  their string of novelty polkas. This time they spotlight one of their members that happens to be a world-class accordionist, Wilhelm Mejer.  Wilhelm immigrated to this country when a young adult, and is now a naturalized citizen. He sings a song about how he would skinny dip back in his native country, and his encounter with a young fraulein. He makes it obvious what happened, and still happens as the couple remains together. So his advice; go skinny dipping!

The Kings play the song strictly with tongue in cheek, in a minor key no less. Wilhelm hasn't lost his German accent, and his somewhat broken English adds to the ambience of the song. And he plays the accordion throughout like the master that he is! This band likes to do humorous songs, but make no mistake - these guys can play! 

When I was young long ago 

Back und Deutschland 

We used to go skinny dipping 

In the lakes across the land 

 We went with our comrades 

Hang clothes on the line 

But mine favorite ting 

Was to go with young fraulein! 

 

Ja! Ja! Skinny dipping

 Ja! Ja! Is so much fun 

Even much more funner still 

If two the only ones! 

 

I remember stripping down to underwear 

See her in Bra and panties 

Try to be a gentleman, hide mine eyes

 But she would say "LOOK AND SEE!" 

 We would watch as we took off clothes

And I would take a good long look over there

 Then when I took off my underwear 

She'd point at me and say "MEIN HERRRRRR! " 

 

Ja! Ja! Skinny dipping 

Ja! Ja! Is so much fun 

Even much more funner still 

If two the only ones! 

 

We would get into the cold water, 

We had a short distance between 

But I could see her hard nipples 

To touch them I was really keen 

She said, "I tell you something,

 I've got a really fun plan 

You will get to touch me 

If you put your Schwarz in mine hand!" 

 

Ja! Ja! Skinny dipping 

Ja! Ja! Is so much fun 

Even much more funner still 

If you two the only ones! 

 

 Soon we were no longer swimming 

But our hands in each other sank 

It was a marvelous ting to feel 

We held hands and walked to the bank

 I lay the towel down on the grass 

I kissed her full on her lips 

We lay on each other on de towels 

And she start moving her hips 

 

Ja! Ja! Skinny dipping 

In our paradise just down the hill 

We went there many times, Ja! Ja! 

Even much more funner still 

 

 We fell in love and in lust

All those years ago 

Our life together for so long 

Has been wonderful and so 

We have our own secluded spot 

On a lake just below 

And we visit it often 

And do what we did long time ago! 

 

 Ja! Ja! Skinny dipping 

Ja! Ja! Is so much fun 

Even much more funner still 

If two the only ones!

 

The Nude Polka Kings - The Undead Polka

 Well, the latest from The Nude Polka Kings is a stretch. We had to say it, but The Undead Polka, while being an original idea, might not take off within the polka community, outside of a Halloween dance. But never let it be said that we here at Big And Tall Records tell our artists what to record! We've had notions about recordings before that turned out to be popular, so who are we to decide? 

The song starts with a lengthy introduction about how the group is bored playing the same old songs at polka dances. We know they're not talking  about their own songs, like Pigs In A Polka, or The Smelly Feet Polka! Hardly anything hum drum about those ditties! More like the old chestnut of The Beer Barrel Polka. In any case, the intro is as long as the titled song. Decide for yourselves:

Playing in a polka band ain't what it's cracked up to be 

The same old songs, same old monotony 

Even when we get the chance to play a nudist colony 

The same old stuff bouncing and jiggling, we get tired to see.

 

 Give us something different 

We're just going nuts

 Oompah, pah, oompah pah 

Naked jelly butts! 

We need to shake it up some

 For variety 

So let's do something strange 

Something differently 

 

Playing in a polka band ain't what it's cracked up to be 

The same old songs, same old monotony 

Even when we get the chance to play a nudist colony 

The same old stuff bouncing and jiggling, we get tired to see.

 

 Give us something different 

We're just going nuts

 Oompah, pah, oompah pah 

Naked jelly butts! 

We need to shake it up some

 For variety 

So let's do something strange 

Something differently

 

The undead polka, dance of mystery

The undead polka, LOOK! A ZOMBIE! 

We will play it, and see if it takes hold 

It's new, it's different, it's really bold! 

 

 If you're a zombie, and want to dance 

Drag your corpse out on the floor 

And we'll sure give you a chance 

But clean up your own gore! 

 

The undead polka, dance with no refrain 

The undead polka LOOK! A BLOODY BRAIN! 

Body parts strewn here and there 

And the stink of zombies everywhere! 

 

You best be a two legged zombie 

You'll have to think to stop

 If you've only got one leg 

All you can do is hop! 

 

 The undead polka, dance without any harm 

The undead polka, IT'S CHEWING ON MY ARM! 

Dragging feet, dripping goo 

The zombie polka might be for you 

 

Chomping on rotting flesh 

On vertebra til it's clean 

Using a finger bone as a toothpick 

Is more than just obscene! 

 

The undead polka, Might seem kind of nuts 

The undead polka,ZOMBIES SUCKING GUTS! 

Not room for anything but zombies with this dance 

But any other kinds of undead might deserve a glance 

 

Leg bone, arm bone, bowel and clot 

Gall bladder, slimy gunk 

Purulent excretia 

Pouring from body's trunk 

 

The undead polka, where do we get off? 

The undead polka MY GOD A FOOT JUST FELL OFF 

Dancers all have had enough 

They're leaving the floor in a huff 

Faces looking white and rough 

The undead polka, is not doing the trick 

All the gore has made the dancers sick!

 

The Nude Polka Kings - The Fat Ass Polka

 The Nude Polka Kings latest submission concerns subject matter that some may find offensive. Folks that happen to possess a prodigious derrière may take offense with the lyrics, despite some lyrics that assure they mean no offense. But this group doesn't seem to be worried about offending people. Any group that gets their name from their reputation of playing polka dances in the nude has got to be thick skinned, so maybe they think everyone else should be.We've got some ample-assed people working here at Big And Tall Records, and when we played the recording those folks laughed especially loud. So take it for what it's worth.

Let me say it right away, 

I’ve got nothing against a fat ass 

Doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or man 

An older woman or a young lass 

 

But from our vantage point 

Watching over dancers loose 

We just can’t help but notice 

A BIG FAT CABOOSE! 

 

The fat ass polka, bouncing to and fro 

The fat ass polka, look at that thing go!

 Wiggles like its made of something as a rubber ball 

And makes a real soft cushion, if you take a fall! 

 

Some folks got one naturally 

Part of who they are 

They even get some flattery 

From lookers near and far 

 

But some people work to get them 

By eating lots of food 

Drinking beer and eating noodles 

And getting rather crude 

 

The fat ass polka, shimmy and they shake 

The fat ass polka, some cause an earthquake 

Jiggly and blubbery, saggier than hell 

Imagine when their pants drop, it stinks like hell! 

 

 If you’ve got a fat ass, 

I mean you no offense 

Do not mean to upset you

 Or put you on defense 

 

 It must be very burdensome 

Makes your life more hard 

To carry what amounts to 

A BIG CHUNK OF LARD! 

 

The fat ass polka, gives off lots of heat 

The fat ass polka, there's not much meat 

Not like prime steak marbled, it’s not at all like that 

There’s muscle there but deeply covered by thicknesses of FAT! 

 

Be careful there! 

Don’t bump butts! 

The reverberations 

Will bring the house down! 

 

If you’ve got a fat sweaty ass, 

I mean you no offense 

Do not mean to upset you

 Or put you on defense 

 

 It must be very burdensome 

If you don't have a big belly 

To counterbalance all that weight 

With a huge ass made of jelly! 

 

The fat ass polka, largest we've ever met 

The fat ass polka, gives off lots of sweat 

It trickles down their leg and then before its through 

Collects in their shoes and makes a smelly brew!

 

 The fat ass polka!

The Nude Polka Kings - The Kiss My Ass! Polka

 Continuing with their original novelty Polkas, The Nude Polka Kings latest is The Kiss My Ass! Polka. The way we understand it, the group has a inner group of constant musicians that is supplemented by guest musicians as the situation warrants. It is the inner group of six musicians that is responsible for all of their original material, sometimes written together, sometimes as solo writers. The core group is what goes on tour, so their songs by necessity are played in different arrangements.

This particular polka, like some others, has been inspired by actual happenings at polka dances. As the group has been touring for many years, they have a wealth of experiences to use for songs. We admit it, sometimes the lyrics make the impression more than the music. Not to say they aren't fine musicians, they are, and any guest artists they sue are of the same high quality.  But the lyrics and subjects of their polkas are somewhat unique to the polka world. The effect of this one in particular would be different if they played it in the nude at a nudist polka dance! 

No matter how much you try, 

Some people are not for you 

Can’t be friends with everybody, 

That is very true. 

 

 Just give them their space, 

Hope they give you yours. 

But sometimes there is somebody 

Whose boundaries are blurred. 

 

Always get in the way, 

Always in your face 

No matter how you try 

To put them in their place 

 

If there is someone like that, 

At a Polka place, 

Just dance a little closer 

Keep a smiling face….and 

 

Bend over in front of them, 

point at your ass. 

Your lips should make a kissing noise 

while pointing at your ASS! 

 

The kiss my ass polka, 

Crude as all get out. 

As to your opinion, 

It doesn’t leave a doubt. 

If the person is too dense to get it 

Simple as it is, 

Then you can shout KISS MY ASS! 

Thumb your nose! 

Dance right past,

THE KISS MY ASS POLKA! 

 

But you have to realize, 

Good manners, it's not. 

But neither is the crap they pull 

That gets you really hot! 

 

They'll probably call foul on you, 

You get escorted off the floor, 

Do it some more times, 

They'll throw you out the door! 

 

 But it could go the other way, 

If others join your side.

 They might tell the dance official, 

The other was being snide 

 

Bend over in front of them, 

Then point at your ass. 

Your lips should make a kissing noise 

Keep pointing at your ass! 

 

The kiss my ass polka, 

Crude as all get out. 

As to your opinion, 

It doesn’t leave a doubt. 

If the person is too dense to get it 

Simple as it is, 

Then you can shout KISS MY ASS! 

Thumb your nose! 

Take the chance! 

THE KISS MY ASS POLKA!

 

 

The Nude Polka Kings - Pig Fat

Pigs and the resultant products made from them have been feeding people for a long time. The old saying goes that the only part of the pig not used is the oink, and that's more true than not. Pigs are one of  the easiest of animals to raise for meat, and they really are not dirty animals. The only reason they wallow in  the mud is to cool off when the weather's hot as they cannot sweat. 

So it stands to reason with all the pluses of raising pigs, they would be part of the cultural history of many different reasons. Jewish and Islamic cultures shun pork as it is considered unclean, but for many people pork remains an important source of protein. Certain cuts and methods of preparation can make it a healthy meat to eat as well. Then there's the subject of this song - pig fat!

Some of the most popular kinds of pork products to eat are sausage and bacon, both highly processed meats that are high in sodium and cholesterol that should be eaten in moderation, if at all. But it's true, there's a lot of flavor in pork fat! 

Their song Pig Fat is a departure for the group, as it really isn't a Polka, if it's even any kind of dance at all is the question. It would be difficult indeed to dance to the song. The group obviously had a good time recording it! 

We’ve heard about pigs in a polka, 

A most disgusting thought. 

Nothing against pigs at all 

Many a pig we have sought.

 

 But not to put in a polka, 

But a very different fate

 Butcher ‘em up 

And put ‘em on a plate! 

 

We like all the parts of a hog 

Nothing that we’d give to the dog

 But many times we’ve had a major spat, 

Over our favorite PIG FAT! 

 

Pig fat around pork chops, 

Makes them juicy and tender. 

Pig fat laced in bacon, 

Succulent and tender 

 

Clogging up our arteries

 And making us obese. 

But it really is quite tasty, 

Give us more if you please! 

 

 Pig fat is king! Pig fat is rich! 

Give us some more, or we will surely bitch!

 Fry our eggs in bacon grease, makes them mighty fine! 

We’ll take it oozing bacon grease, every time! 

 

Dripping down our chins, 

Covering our hands 

Barbecued pork ribs, 

Greasy smoked hams 

 

Pie crust made with lard, 

Is the best in the land 

Pork roast dripping fat

 Is something we can stand! 

 

 Greasy pork chops with thick fat, 

Cooked with kraut and biscuits! 

Soaks up all the deliciousness 

Please make it just for us! 

 

Sausages made with pork, 

Larded with piggie fat. 

Served on a crusty bun 

With mustard is where it's at! 

 

Pork steak fried with onions 

Is a dish fit for royalty 

But don't waste it on them 

Give it instead to ME!

 

 Pig fat is king! Pig fat is rich! 

Give us some more, or we will surely bitch!

 Fry our eggs in bacon grease, makes them mighty fine! 

We’ll take it oozing bacon grease, every time! 

 

 Cholesterol skyrockets, 

Doctor gives us hell 

Wants to start a treatment 

Giving the hard sell 

 

Pills I will surely take, 

Exercise as well, 

But cut out pig fat.... 

Ain't no way in hell! 

 

Pig fat is rich! Pig fat is king! 

Greasy sloppy pig fat, is our special thing!

I will keep on saying, until my dying breath.... 

PIG FAT!

 

 

The Nude Polka Kings - Making Sauerkraut Polka

 The latest by the suddenly prolific The Nude Polka Kings goes along with the heritage and Slavic influence found in the Polka as an art form. Making Sauerkraut Polka conveys the love many people, not just of Polish or Slavic origins, have for sauerkraut. It's very popular in Germany, France and has spread around the world. Kimchi, the Korean version adds many different ingredients to the mix, including hot pepper flakes! Fermenting of food was discovered so long ago nobody knows exactly when. It is a way to preserve food without refrigeration by utilizing the natural organisms found on food.

The chemical reaction of food containing natural sugars and microorganisms gives fermented food its sour flavor. Salt is usually added to chopped cabbage and the mixture is put in water. As long as the food is completely submerged in the water, there is no danger of the fermenting process going wrong, in which case the food will start to rot and no longer be edible. Chopped onions, garlic, carrots, and other things can be added to the cabbage for a different flavor. Many vegetables can be fermented by themselves as well. Each will have the characteristic sour flavor along with their own particular taste. 

One of the members of this band is Stanisław O'Reilly. Yes, you read that right. His mother is of Polish heritage, his father of Irish heritage. Evidently they wanted to pay homage to both sides of the family!  He goes by the shortened version of his name, and Stash knows what he's talking about when it comes to sauerkraut. He makes barrels of the stuff for his family and friends, and has a cabbage chopping party a few times a year. People gather at his house, some of them bringing old time cabbage shredders. Like the song says, it ends up being a wine drinking (and other alcoholic beverages) party, with everyone that helped getting some of the sauerkraut!

Back in the old country

 Folks lived on the farm.

They raised their own food to eat 

That did them little harm. 

 

 They raised their own livestock,

 Vegetables too 

When they grew too much cabbage, 

This is what they'd do! 

 

They'd make sauerkraut, made it in big pots, 

Slice up lots of cabbage, lots and lots and lots! 

Pour the salted water in, swish it all about. 

Traditional cabbage shredder

Let it stew for a week or two, making sauerkraut! 

 

We don't live on the farm anymore, 

Kind of wish that we would 

It was a lot of real hard work for sure, 

That is well understood 

 

It was work that kept you healthy, 

And you made your own way, 

Homegrown meat and vegetables, 

That is why we say! 

 

 They made so much sauerkraut, it last all winter long. 

While they danced the polka, and sing their happy song.

 They drink homemade beer, eat kielbasa and kraut. 

That is what living is all about! 

 

 Some people just detest it, 

hate it through and through.

 There is no denying,

 that it's a special brew.

 

 Sour and crunchy, 

a little salty as well, 

And some say it stinks 

 like the devil's feet in hell! 

 

We still make sauerkraut, chop it nice and fine. 

Get the folks together, drink a little wine. 

We eat it every day, and we don't hesitate, 

It prevents you from getting sick and won't constipate! 

 

 So if you can't make it, at least eat it! 

Slavic penicillin! 

Put hair on your chest, 

and led in your pencil! 

 

[Woman] But I don't want hair on my chest, and I don't have a pencil!

 

 

The Nude Polka Kings - The Short Skirt Polka

The Nude Polka Kings are an interesting story. The first recording they did for Big And Tall Records was The Nudie Polka, a novelty song about their preferred method of performing and dancing the Polka, was a novelty song. The group was more known for their traditional repertoire of Polkas, but with that first recording their focus has changed at least in recordings and they continue to offer up humorous songs. 

The Short Skirt Polka is another humorous song with a few overtly risque parts, but the song's concept is rated PG, for it all has to do with men being able to see more of woman's anatomy due to wearing a short skirt! We've had no complaints about it being sexist...yet. The Polka crowd seems to be able to deal with it all in good humor. The song begins with a short bit of yodeling by one of the members!

If you’re not like us, more like one of those, 

That doesn’t like to dance the Polka without any clothes,

 If you’re a man something that would interest you a lot, 

You would really like it, even think it’s pretty hot! 

 

The short skirt polka, girl with a nice face, 

Would look even better, if you saw her panty lace! 

You could have a lot of fun and not look indiscrete, 

If you made it seem like you were looking at her feet. 

 

Polka dresses usually are pretty but long, 

A girl would have to swing a lot for you to get a view. 

No matter how energetic would be the song, 

You wouldn’t get much chance for a panty review 

 

The short skirt polka, girl with a nice face, 

Would look even better, if you saw her panty lace! 

You could have a lot of fun and not look indiscrete,

 If you made it seem like you were looking at her feet. 

 

Would the ladies go for it, I bet some surely should, 

To tease their dancing partners, give them a little wood. 

Round and round and round they go with their skirt above their waist,

 Men would keep them twirling, and think about a taste 

 

The short skirt polka, girl with a nice face, 

Would look even better, if you saw her panty lace! 

You could have a lot of fun and not look indiscrete, 

If you made it seem like you were looking at her feet. 

 

Where would they get these dresses Skimpy and so short?

 They would have to be home made As a last resort. 

It wouldn't cost as much, as a long one, 

Bet men would foot the bill and have some fun! 

 

The short skirt polka, make sure she's of age! 

Sure wouldn't like to see you, locked up in a cage!

 And any normal man, would rather be pursuing, 

A woman of age that knew what she was doing!