Reginald P. Farquahar III - Thems You Meet On Carnaby Street

It isn't very often here at Big And Tall Records that an artist gets two songs issued one right after the other with no other artist in between, let alone with a new artist. But we've made an exception in the case of Reginald P.  Farquahar III. Evidently a group that records old music hall type story songs is behind this colorful character. This is quite a song with a synopsis being:

A story song about Reggie trying to impress a group of young women on Carnaby Street when one of his old plumber mates Alfie, eyes him and embarrasses him! Reggie in turn gets really nasty with Alfie, then Alfie talks back, then Reggie, then Alfie really lets loose with some choice tales about him and Reggie visiting the pub, passing out on the sidewalk, and Reggie laying there 'snorin' and pissin' his pants'! Despite Reggie's protests, the women don't think Reggies any more of a 'British Gentleman' than Alfie is, and they storm off. Reggie calls Alfie some choice names, Alfie asked if he wants to settle it 'under Marquis of Queensbury Rules' , Reggie starts flailing and Alfie lands a solid smack to the jaw, knocking Reggie down. Alfie tests to see if Reggie's really out or not, offers to buy him a pint!

REGGIE
Greetings!
My name is Reginald Poindexter Farquahar, the third!
Aye, 'tis a fine day in the exquisite metropolis of London!
As I take my daily constitutional
Down Carnaby Street, I meet a
Group of the city’s finest  ingénues
Gathering on a street corner.
 I stop and introduce myself, and begin
To have a most enlightening and delightful chat:
 
Good day to you, ladies,
I offer my greetings
To one of the most beautiful
 Sights of my meetings
You've chosen a sublimest of days
To partake of a promenade
May I offer to buy you
All a glass of lemonade?
 
Perchance you may think me forward to ask
But I assure you all, 'tis but a friendly task
To engage in intelligent conversation
Is my one and only reason for instigation!
 
ALFIE
Oy!!
OY!!
 That be you, Reggie?
My gaw, didn’t make ya out
Wi' the fancy garb!
 How ya be, ya ol’ turd puller?
Ya 'member me, don't ya? Alfie!
 ALFIE MORRIS!
We spent many an 'our  together
Up to our arse holes in muck!
 I ain’t seen ya since ya hung
up the ol’ shit stompahs!
 
By gaw, ye ain’t hung em up!
Yer still wearin’ ‘em! Haw Haw Haw!
Wi’ wearin' wormy ol’ tweed duds...
that the moths done
et half of! Haw haw haw!
 
What gives wi' ya, me ol' friend?
Why ya tryin' t' be all fancy?
Ya gone daft, too many pints at the pub
Just wait 'til I tell ol' DeLancy!
 
REGGIE
(Oy ...indeed... a gross
memory from me past...)
Oh, pay no mind. m'ladies.
 'Tis but a common plumber
I have used in the past,
In my construction endeavors.
I do not remember him much,
as he was but a lowly worker
 that I had little contact with.
 
In the past, as I was in charge of construction
I had on occasion to deal with grossly common
I never actually worked with this man
So I believe he is most horribly mistaken
I designed with my encompassing skill
The most complex of pipe fitting schemes
But I never worked with this man called Alfie
Not in his most wildest dreams!
 
Go away, sir! Can’t you see I am engaged
In polite conversation that you are ill
Equipped for?
Be a good fellow, and begone!
 
ALFIE
BY GAW!
Say, where do ya get off wi' tha' stuff?
Still doin' the same ol' shite!
Tryin' to make time with posh birds
Never did it work out right!
 
I 'member the days we spent inna pub
Flexin' our elbows an all
Kept the points comin' near and fast
'Till we got to stagger an' fall!
I 'member ya layin' there on the sidewalk
Snorin' an' pissin yer pants!
Then ya'd wake up, get physical
Throw yer fists, and throw yer rants!
I also 'member the times you took a swing
At me your oldest dearest mate
 
Same  t'ing happened every time
A sock in yer jaw were yer fate!
Ya always had a glass jaw, Reggie me boy!
If ya be wantin' the same, keep yer jaws movin'!
 

REGGIE
Please! Dear ladies!
I apologize for this foolish man!
Let us leave him to his misery!
 
FEMALE VOICE
Come, ladies This man is a fraud!
He is no more a proper British
 gentleman than his friend!
 
REGGIE
I beseech you! I give you my oath!
This man has accosted me, on the street!
I shall call a constable forthwith!
That will dispense with him neat!
 
FEMALE VOICE
Leave us alone, or it is I
who shall call the constable!
 

REGGIE
Is it my fate, to be treated thus
When I attempt to overcome my class?
It makes me so sad.
But then angry!
THEY ALL CAN
KISS ME BLOODY ARSE!
And as for you...
you...
you...
BLOODY STUPID WANKER!
 BUGGER OFF! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Ya took the piss right outa me!
Alfie, yer nothin' but a twat!
 
ALFIE
Wanker he says!
HAW! HAW! HAW!
Stupid he says!
HAW! HAW! HAW!
TWAT he says!
HAW! HAW HAW!
Nice to 'ear the ol' Reggie I know
But hardly love!
 
Wanna settle this like we used ta do?
Marquis of Queensbury rules, hmmm?
Watch out fer me foot work ya gross fat cow!
T'ink ya can outbox me? HMMMMM?
 
Yer naught but punchin' air
HAW! HAW! HAW!
This fight shore ain't fair
HAW! HAW! HAW!
Ya never was a fightin' man!
HAW! HAW! HAW!
HERE! HAVE ME RIGHT CROSS HAND!
 
Tol' ya, Reggie me boy
Once got a glass jaw, always got a glass jaw!
Er'e ya out? Or are ya fakin' it?
C'mon. Git up ya hifalutin burk!
Ya fancy a pint? I'm buyin'!

Reginald P. Farquahar III - Cheerio!

 Reginald Poindexter Farquahar (The Third) is a mighty mouthful of a name for a new character at Big And Tall Records. 

Reginald P. Farquahar III is our newest artist. He is, as he states in this song belongs to a long line of distinguished professional men in the plumbing trade (he's a retired plumber) who, in his retirement, is trying to transform himself into a proper, erudite, British gentleman. The problems he's having with that are apparent just by his appearance. A ratty looking tweed suit that has seen better days, and he' still wearing his high top plumber's boots with his pantlegs tucked inside. When he speaks, he can keep up the posh accent for a while, excessive tongue rolling and all, but when he gets angry or things don't go right, he lapses right back into his usual accent. In this song he tries to use his fancy language on a lady 'with a pedigree as long as yer arm', to have supper with him as a posh restaurant. When she refuses, his accent returns with a vengeance!

We can foresee further issues with Reggie's plan of trying to turn 'posh'. An accent of any kind is difficult to change, and we suspect that not only the accent is the issue, but his choice of words will be as well. A plumber's job can be really hard, dirty work, and when things go exceedingly wrong the language can turn equally hard and dirty! Good luck to you, Reggie! We'll be following along here at Big And Tall Records to see how he copes. But we personally don't see nothin' amiss wi' a mate goin' to de pub fer a point and a larf!

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen!
Allow me to introduce meself…um..
Myself...I am Reginald P. Farquahar III
 I come from a long line of distinguished
 Professional men in the plumbing trade.
 I am now retired, and practice my
 Transformation from a commoner to a cultured,
 Erudite British gentleman! Watch me as I entice
 An elegant British woman with a pedigree be long a yer arm…oh...
 From a very fine family...to accompany me to dinner!
 
Excuse me dear Lady, if I may be so bold
A beauty like yours should not sit in the cold
Permit me to escort you to a grand dining hall
For a spot of fine supper, the finest of all!
I shall order the caviar, vintage champagne
To be in your presence is my ultimate gain.
 
Oh, the evenin’ be young, and the stars be aligned
For a high-class affair of a grander design!...
(Me belly is rumblin’ I could eat a whole cow,
But I must play the gent, got to keep it up now!)
I offer up me arm  if'n  ya please,
To guide you along with absolute ease...
We’ll dine like the gentry, oh will be sublime
I reckon to show you a real good time!
So what do you say, mum? Let’s head out the door,
A high-class arrangement you canna ignore.
 
Don't look at me so, thus, with an eye of distain!
My noble intentions are perfectly plain!
I'm a man of... great...substance...
 a real upper-crust.
(Blimey, me collar be fit-to-bloody-bust!!)
Won't you grant me this favor, me elegant bird?...
Uh...Lady!...I mean! ...
Oh, just give me the word!
 
Lady:
No thank you, sir! ... Absolutely not! ... Good day!
 
Oh, who do you think you are, give me the boot?!
Spent me last copper... OY! ... to press up this suit!
Offered you nosh, at a proper posh place
And you turn up yer nose... huh! ... right in me face!
Get back to yer tea and yer fancy ah-tee-tah
I’m off to me pub fer a point and a larf!
 
You missed out on a gent,
Yeah, a real class act,
Too good fer ya anyways
And that’s a dead fact!
Cheerio then!
Ya bloody snooty tart!