Chuck Wagon Calhoun - Ol' Tom

 A new artist here at Big And Tall Records! Chuck Wagon Calhoun! Yee haw! Now the story so far about Chuck Wagon is that he used to work as a chuck wagon cook in a re-enactment group in a cattle roundup. It was like a dude ranch as professionals would take amateurs out on the range rounding up cattle, and the experience included chuck wagon cuisine. Evidently the dude ranch/roundup enterprise went under after a few attempts. Since then Chuck Wagon Calhoun has been making the rounds of local county fares playing the role and cooking genuine chuck wagon grub. 

A group of musicians got together with Chuck and organized a band that would add music to the act, and they've been playing country venues ever since and have gained some local popularity. One of our associates caught their act, and passed this is along to us, and it hit a quirky, funny note for us. Kind of like a risque Spike Jones!

Howdy

My name’s Chuck wagon Calhoun I'm the last of my kind Ah got a story to tell ya’ll So unplug yer ears, if yer so kind... There's still cattle roundups goin' on Even in this here day and age Kind of old timey, I’ll grant ye From an ol’ history page Them ‘pokes what steal ride the range Gotta have all of them’s vittles So that’s where I enter the scene But I ain’t no lickspittle! ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes play their guitars they brang Raise their butt cheeks and then fart In tam with the music they sang Got a mule pulls the wagon He’s ol’, and feisty, and crusty The wagon’s older than hell too With wheel axles all rusty So it ain’t easy fer ol' Tom To keep up with the herd And it makes me all kind of anxious Makes me say a harsh word ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes play their guitars they brang Raise their butt cheeks and then fart In tam with the music they sang Well, ol’ Tom got a wild hair Was pullin' the wagon too fast No matter how hard I reined him To the next night stop he past He got that there rusty ol’ wagon Movin’ at a right rapid pace Wheels hit a gopher hole hard Throwed me all out on my face

Now them pokes ain’t had no supper Sangin’ songs ‘bout stringin’ me up Cain’t find that goddam mule nowhere And they’s got empty guts and cups! Mercy me! Where in hell's that Tom! Goddammit! All them cowboys grumbling' Cuz of their empty belly Made my knees shiver and quake Was nervous as hell, oh nelly! But jest 'bout to give it up Lookin' fer that goddam mule He come lopin' 'round the bend Started brayin' like a fool! Wagon still hooked on him Nothin' tall got spilt! So it twern't long time at all before... ‘Round the far after supper The ‘pokes played their guitars they brang Raised their butt cheeks and then farted In tam with the music they sang What in hell ya dew that fer, Tom? You long-eared, dumb ass galoot! That's the third time you done it! What’s' a matter, you bored Oughta beat ya'll in yer thick hayed With a 2 by 4, iff'n I had one! Goddam lolligaggin' consarned dadburned sum da bitch worthless poor excuse fer a fuckin' mule!