Chuck Wagon Calhoun appears to have a song connecting him with many legendary towns of the old west. There may be nuggets of facts in the songs, but they're few and far between. Chuck goes out of his way with this one about Dodge City. Yes, Dodge City was a cow town of the old west, and is still in existence today. But Miss Kitty? Marshall Matt Dillon? Pure fiction taken from the radio and television shows. Gunsmoke was on television for 20 seasons from 1955-1975, and was consistently ranked high in viewership. It's been off network TV for over 50 years, but can still be seen on streaming services all over the world. So while Chuck is a teller of tall tales, this one may resonate even more with listeners!
And he seems to be a lady's man, after a fashion. Despite his demeanor, his tales usually end up with him having to save his hide by leaving town, usually over a woman! So carry on, Chuck Wagon! Which old west town is next?
Howdy!
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Fixin’ to sang ya’ll a song ‘bout a
Town in Kansas a long time past…
AND HOW I POKED A
FAMOUS LAWMAN'S GAL!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
I worked at a Livery stable and the job were shitty!
In a town out west by the name of Dodge City
Spent leisure time at the Long Branch Saloon
Playin' games to try and win dubloons
I used to play cord games like 5 cord draw
Git a gal when the urge was in my craw
A gal worked there I heerd was a dandy
Whenever I saw her I done felt right handy
A good looker with a mouth right pretty
She done tol’ me her name was Miss Kitty
She appealed to me so then I inquired
Asked her flat out if’n her ass were for hire!
“Marshall Matt Dillon be my man”, she said
“Best head out, afore he shoots ya dead!
He don’t cotton to nobody messin’ with me!
Jest keep it up pardner, and you’ll see!”
I sure didn’t wanna incur her wrath
I needed a shave, haircut, and a bath!
A twenty dollar gold piece help hide my stink
Slipped it down her cleavage to help her think
Shivered when the coin stopped ‘tween her big tits
She said, “You know, at second glance I admit
Yer a rugged man that I could go for
Jest so you know... I ain’t no whore!
Rented a room on the third floor
Poked like crazy, she asked fer more
Were a sprightly gal, right sportin’ lass
With great big titties, and shapely ass!
We lay there restin’ when we was done
When the door was kicked open by her hon
Drawed his gun, and said ‘twere arrestin us
Kitty said “MATT DON'T RAISE A FUSS!
This feller showed me a good time paid fer my ass!
Whole twenty dollars in gold, I couldn’t pass!
Yer Marshall wages don’t amount to shit!
Take off yer clothes , and join us for a bit!”
Now I ain't above joinin' two folks do it
But due to circumstance, might not live through it
So as Kitty's naked ass jiggled
Into my clothes I quickly wiggled
Jumped out the winder didn’t want trouble!
Got my horse and left town on the double!
And when I were safe on my horses back
I had half a notion to go on back...
And have it out with Marshall Dillon!
Cain’t respect no dude that would tolerate
His gal poke an ugly ol’ skunk turd like me,
Even fer twenty bucks!
I’d a busted that door down with guns a blazin’,
I'd tell that sum bitch this, and I'd tell that sum bitch that!
THEN I'D PISTOL WHUP HIS ASS RIGHT THERE!"
Ma name's Chuck Wagon Calhoun!
Fixin’ to sang ya’ll a song ‘bout a
Town in Kansas a long time past…
AND HOW I POKED A
FAMOUS LAWMAN'S GAL!
YEE HAW YA’LL!
I worked at a Livery stable and the job were shitty!
In a town out west by the name of Dodge City
Spent leisure time at the Long Branch Saloon
Playin' games to try and win dubloons
I used to play cord games like 5 cord draw
Git a gal when the urge was in my craw
A gal worked there I heerd was a dandy
Whenever I saw her I done felt right handy
A good looker with a mouth right pretty
She done tol’ me her name was Miss Kitty
She appealed to me so then I inquired
Asked her flat out if’n her ass were for hire!
“Marshall Matt Dillon be my man”, she said
“Best head out, afore he shoots ya dead!
He don’t cotton to nobody messin’ with me!
Jest keep it up pardner, and you’ll see!”
I sure didn’t wanna incur her wrath
I needed a shave, haircut, and a bath!
A twenty dollar gold piece help hide my stink
Slipped it down her cleavage to help her think
Shivered when the coin stopped ‘tween her big tits
She said, “You know, at second glance I admit
Yer a rugged man that I could go for
Jest so you know... I ain’t no whore!
Rented a room on the third floor
Poked like crazy, she asked fer more
Were a sprightly gal, right sportin’ lass
With great big titties, and shapely ass!
We lay there restin’ when we was done
When the door was kicked open by her hon
Drawed his gun, and said ‘twere arrestin us
Kitty said “MATT DON'T RAISE A FUSS!
This feller showed me a good time paid fer my ass!
Whole twenty dollars in gold, I couldn’t pass!
Yer Marshall wages don’t amount to shit!
Take off yer clothes , and join us for a bit!”
Now I ain't above joinin' two folks do it
But due to circumstance, might not live through it
So as Kitty's naked ass jiggled
Into my clothes I quickly wiggled
Jumped out the winder didn’t want trouble!
Got my horse and left town on the double!
And when I were safe on my horses back
I had half a notion to go on back...
And have it out with Marshall Dillon!
Cain’t respect no dude that would tolerate
His gal poke an ugly ol’ skunk turd like me,
Even fer twenty bucks!
I’d a busted that door down with guns a blazin’,
I'd tell that sum bitch this, and I'd tell that sum bitch that!
THEN I'D PISTOL WHUP HIS ASS RIGHT THERE!"
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