Luigi's Visit With Dr. Schill - The Barber Of Paducah

Dr. Schill

 Another scene from the opera The Barber Of Paducah by Travis V. McGonigle. The composer has changed the original plot of the opera somewhat, and continues to change it as he goes. He's been  taking recommendations from the leader of the orchestra as well as Mr. Trasudante. Not surprisingly, McGonigle has been spotlighting Mr. Trasudante in his role of Luigi. As the composer related recently:

Ain't never had a world-class singer take any kind of interest in my work before, and it's too damned bad I had ta wait 'til I'm in my goddam 90's for it to happen! But what the hell, better late than never! Trasudante really pours his heart into the role, and my music never sounded this good even in my own head! We work on it most every day, and gettin' closer to endin' the revised version, which is a damn sight better than the original I'll tell ya! He thinks once it's finished and he pedals it around, a publisher will be interested. If that happens, I'm givin' Trasudante exclusive performance rights for the premiere, and I'm plannin' on livin' long enough to make some money off the damned thing! 

To set the scene: Luigi has noticed symptoms he's having of an STD he is quite familiar with; gonorrhea. Being a serial philanderer, he's had the disease before, but not for years, and he did not have it when he moved to Paducah. So he knows he's picked it up while in town. He's on his way to the Doctor for test results and the injection he needs, but he's also bribed the doctor in advance for the names of any other townspeople that's been treated for it. Luigi knows that sooner or later he and his brother Antonio will be blamed for bringing it into town, and possibly used as a pretext to kick them out of the community. He's already been confronted by Sammy, a husband of one of the women he's had an affair with that will probably come down with the disease himself, as well as his wife. 

LUIGI 

I go to the doctor, 

but I all  ready know what it is I got.

So much for the pure women of Paducah! 

When I come to town, I no have got, 

So I get the treatment, before my crotch rot! 

 

 

All the whores, they got the disease too! 

They get treatment as well! 

They go out of commission for a while a too! 

That's a lousy for business like hell! 

 

Every ones will take the penalty, 

Some god a dam hilly billy has spread it! 

Whether the saintly wives of the city, 

Or their two faces husbands spread it! 

 

Me and a my brother, we get the blame! 

We the two strangers come here. 

Not good  citizen take  the blame, 

They'll try to use it to get us a out of here! 

 

 But some of a them best be careful, 

For I know all the dirty linen. 

They try to pin this on us will be awful,

 And I'll make sure for them too! 

Gonorrhea! Is a contagion........ 

Is a problem for all involved...... 

I make  sure the high and a mighty...... 

Pay the price if they try to absolve! 

 

The doctor will give  the cure, 

I know I'm not the only one! 

I already pay him to know who he treats, 

To make a sure we not the only one!

 

 Same thing every where we go! 

People wanna the services we got! 

But when some a thing happens it's no go! 

To say they involved...always not! 

 

 But Luigi, he not stupido! He cunning, like the fox! 

He learn over time to be so, They no trap  me in a box! 

 

But some of  them best be careful, 

For I know all the dirty linen. 

they try to pin this on us will be awful, 

And I'll make a sure for them too! 

 Gonorrhea! Is a contagion........ 

Is a problem for all involved...... 

I make  sure the high and mighty...... 

Pay the price if they try to absolve!

 

 But Luigi, he not stupido! He cunning, like the fox! 

He learn over time to be so! They no trap a me in a box! 

 

Luigi enters the Doctors office with the doctor waiting for him, and tries to sell him some of his patent medicine before he gives Luigi the information.

DR. SCHILL

  So remember, If you feel not well, 

take 2 tablets of DOCTOR SCHILL'S PILLS! ....

They'll help you feel better! ......

.Only twenty for a dollar! 

 

Now, Luigi, mine freund! I have your test results! 

With the bad news first. 

You have a case of Neisseria gonorrhoeae, 

 or in cruder terms, DER CLAP! 

The good news, we have a reliable cure, 

 a spritz of antibiotic..........ya? 

 

There’s an epidemic in the area, 

 it’s important we reach 

out to everyone. REACH OUT! 

There’s an epidemic in the area, 

 it’s important we reach 

out to everyone. REACH OUT! 

 

 I have a list who have the infection as well. 

I cannot show it to you, but you have paid me to know, so..... well, 

I'll tell you only the first names. 

The women first..... 

 

Karen, Leslie Paula,Jackie, Bonnie Sue. 

Barbara, Terri ,Marsha, Connie,Rhonda, too! 

Yolanda, Miranda, Mabel, Christina, Belinda, 

and the rich woman that lives on top of the hill! 

The men... 

David, Arnie, Willie, Jimmy, Tommy, Lou. 

Estes, Martin, Honus, Herman, Ernie, Stu. 

Kevin, Riley, George,Beauregard and .......YOU! 

 

 Gonorrhea can start a rapid progression of the clap! 

If the person is promiscuous, other’s could be caught in a trap! 

If it isn’t treated, it can cause infertility, 

Chronic pelvic illness, awful pain when you go pee, 

Infection in the joints, and problems in gestations, 

And what’s worse with kleine babies ……complications! 

 

 So prepare yourself! HAH! Bend over the table, 

expose your buttocks, and I will give to you an 

injection of antibiotics HA HA! 

It will be rather painful, OUCH!! 

But you should see some improvement , 

and it may take up to two weeks to cure it! 

CURE IT! HERE IT COMES! YAAAAAAH! 

 

Karen, Leslie Paula, Jackie, Bonnie Sue. 

Barbara, Terri ,Marsha, Connie,Rhonda, too! 

Yolanda, Miranda, Mabel, Christina, Belinda,

and the rich woman that lives on top the hill! 

David, Arnie, Willie,Jimmy, Tommy, Lou. 

Estes, Martin, Honus, Herman, Ernie, Stu. 

Kevin, Riley, George, Beauregard and .......YOU! 

 

 And don't forget! ....

Take 2 tablets of DOCTOR SCHILL'S MIRACULOUS PILLS! .... 

They'll help you feel better! ....... Only twenty for a dollar!